I put off starting a blog for a long time because of two
reasons: 1) I was afraid of the commitment and I didn't want to do it unless I
could commit to a consistent weekly schedule and 2) I wasn't sure where to
start. Ultimately I decided to combine
those two things then use their strength in my favor. Then I applied one of my greatest assets (thinking
about entertainment a whole bunch) to that defensive move to create a new
attack just like Daniel LaRusso did with the drum technique in The Karate Kid II. One of my favorite areas of culture is comic
book superheroes, so as my first post I have compiled a short list of
superheroes who aren’t entirely dedicated to their role.
·
Spider-Man
o
Being a superhero is one of the greatest jobs in
the world. There are downsides of
course; for instance, pay and benefits are basically nonexistent unless you can
get in with Heroes for Hire, or better yet, a cushy government job with the
Avengers. It’s all worth it though,
because it’s basically the only job where it’s socially acceptable to punch old
people like The Vulture and Captain America in the face. However, Spider-Man doesn’t see it that way
for some reason. Sure, it seems like he’s
having a blast whooping and hollering while he swings on those webs, but under
the mask is the face of a man burdened by guilt and incredible stress. It feels like every other week Peter Parker
is throwing his suit in the dumpster and walking away dramatically. Recently he claimed to die just to get a
break; meanwhile he was actually just hanging out inside of his own mind,
letting a maniac octopus person run the show.
If Petey doesn’t stop this on-again off-again bull hockey with his suit
and put a ring on it, it’ll probably leave him for good and attach itself to
Flash Thompson instead.
·
The Hulk
o
Bruce Banner doesn't just dislike being a
superhero, he acts like it’s some sort of tragedy. In fact, he seems to take active steps to
avoid turning into his alter ego The Hulk as if doing so would come at the cost
of his own self-control while putting his loved ones or anyone else in his
vicinity at risk of life and limb. On the
occasion when he does make the transition he doesn't even wear a costume. He just relies on his green skin for brand
recognition and speaks in third person to remind people of his name. Half the time he’s not even wearing a shirt
anyway; it wouldn’t be that hard to toss on a xxxxl t-shirt with an H on it or
something to add a little style.
·
Richard Branson
o
Batman and Iron Man are currently the most
popular super heroes in film and Green Arrow is the most popular on TV. All three of these characters are incredibly
rich. Clearly now is the time for real
world billionaires to follow suit of their fictional counterparts by fighting
crime in their free time, and Richard Branson is the most obvious choice to
lead the charge. It would be great to
see someone nerdy like Bill Gates living the comic book dream and we already
know he loves charity and helping people, but he looks so small and
passive. It’s doubtful he has the
confidence and aura of authority needed to command the respect of the criminal
underworld. Donald Trump has confidence
coming out of his ears and his hair-type thing has a certain Adam West quality. The problem with Don is he’s a bit of a jerk,
so he’d probably make a better villain.
Branson’s unpredictability comes with some villain potential as well,
but he gives off more of a wild card Deadpool-esque “chaotic good” vibe. If I can put all this together than so can
someone as smart at Richard Branson, and yet the world is lacking in Bran-Man’s. Where’s our Captain Virgin? Oh. I
think I see the problem. What’s Oprah up
to these days? Or should I call her
O-Mega?
