How to Fix 'Girl Meets World'

As far as I'm concerned Boy Meets World holds up better than any other 90's sitcom that isn't Seinfeld or Frasier.  I don't think there's a single episode that isn't fun to watch.  The sequel series Girl Meets World, however, is a torturous experience week after week.  I probably should have given up on it after a few episodes but what else am I going to record on Friday and watch when I'm half asleep on Saturday morning?  Jimmy Fallon doing "Thank You Notes?"  I might be a masochist but I'm not crazy.  The truth is that even though I keep watching Girl Meets World I gave up on it long ago.  When I asked myself what could be done to fix it my first thought was to pretend the last year never happened and start all over from scratch.  Of course, that's a bit extreme, but I think I've found a reasonable compromise.

Forget it all and make The Good-Looking Guy.

Very soon I'm going to start comparing the original series with the sequel.  Some might say it's not fair to compare the two but I think it is when the sequel is clearly trying to duplicate the appeal of the original.  Some might also say that since Girl Meets World is on Disney Channel it is obviously not intended for 23 year old bearded weirdos, but again I have to point out that the creators clearly intended to bring in the audience from the original.  If they wanted to cut all ties to Boy they could have just created an entirely new show about teen girls living their lives without involving the Cory and Topanga characters from the original at all.

Therein lies the problem.  Girl isn't quite sure if its a new show or not.  Before the first season even ended the characters were making self aware meta references as if it were addressing well established formulas, even in regards to components that weren't in the original.  Worse yet, in the very first episode the audience is supposed to believe that Corpanga's daughter Riley and her pal Maya are the bestest friends who ever friended and the light of their friendliness burns brighter than a thousand suns.  The problem is that there is no evidence of the strength of their friendship except what we're told.  We haven't seen their friendship develop at all; we're just dropped into the middle of this supposedly sacred bond between a troubled girl from the wrong side of the tracks and an innocent girl with a wholesome family.

Boy Meets World, on the other hand, took several seasons before it started making self aware jokes and even then they were more about being on TV rather than specific elements of the show.  Cory and Shawn Hunter's friendship from Boy is legendary in its own right, but it took time to become what it was after the two actors were shown to have fantastic chemistry.  In the first season Shawn was only slightly closer to Cory than the other guys in their friend group.  He wasn't even poor and angsty.  In one of the earliest episodes Cory has to paint his teacher/neighbor's fence for money because he's the only one who can't afford a cool water gun.  Shawn's transformation into Judd Nelson from The Breakfast Club and Cory's unwavering loyalty happened gradually,  First Shawn put a cherry bomb in a mailbox, then his mother took off with their trailer, then all hell broke loose and Cory was beside him the whole way.  Riley and Maya are clearly meant to have the same dynamic but since their relationship didn't take any time to development we have no idea who they are on their own.  They are exclusively defined in relationship to each other.

Everything in Girl Meets World is made to look like it's set in stone; supposedly the morality lessons are profound essential truths, the characters are timeless archetypes, and their relationships are bound by steel.  That's why it all has to go.  Or most of it can stay where it is while the Matthews family and the show itself (and maybe Shawn) moves to a different location.  GMW's biggest problem is the insistence that everything is permanent so the only way to fix any of the problems is to start all over again, and for that to happen the main characters need to do the same.  An interesting effect of that would be to put Riley, someone who has always been defined in relation to others, in a position where she has to find herself for the first time, as all teenagers must do.

If the Matthews are going to move, it would probably be simpler for them to go from New York to Philadelphia, where BMW took place.  Adding a third location would over-complicate things and there are more reasons for Cory and Topanga to go to Philly than anywhere else.  They have roots there and they might need to take care of a sick family member or an elderly mustachioed teacher/neighbor.  As long as they're in Philadelphia it shouldn't be too hard for Cory to find a teaching job at his old school or for Topanga to reopen their old hangout Chubby's after her experience running a bakery in New York.

A move would also allow Girl to drop some of its more unsettling plot lines without drawing any undue attention to them.  Farkle can disappear like his father Minkus before him and everyone can forget about his obsession with Riley and Maya that has gone on for too long.  A less prevalent but much creepier "romantic" relationship is between 8th grader Maya and Cory's brother Joshua who is a high school senior.  For the most part Maya's crush is one sided, but the show keeps suggesting that Joshua is in the wrong for rejecting her advances.  In the episode "Girl Meets the Tell-Tale-Tot" Riley and Maya crash a college party so the latter can see Joshua.  At the party a couple of coeds insist that Maya's actions are admirable and not dangerous and stupid while no one calls these coeds stupid and cruel.  While its true that the age difference won't matter much at some point in the future for the present Joshua is 17 and seventeen divided by two plus seven equals fifteen and a half which Maya is definitely not.  Joshua is nearly an adult and Maya is a child in every single way that counts.  Also, Topanga has a rivalry with a six year old.  They're absolutely vicious to each other.  It's not endearing.

It would also probably be a good idea to shake up the writers room and bring in some new directors, but I don't have enough information about that to speak on it.  I would, however, like to suggest that Fred Savage direct at some point.  He is the brother of Ben Savage who plays Cory.  Fred is most famous for acting in The Wonder Years and The Princess Bride but he also has a pretty impressive resume as a sitcom director for Modern Family, 2 Broke Girls, and various Disney and Nickelodeon shows throughout the 00's.  Not that I'm arrogant enough to think that my opinion on this or any other aspect of the show matters.  I've never run a TV show and even if my ideas were used the show might still stink, but it can only stink at the same amount or less.

Three Movies I Saw Recently

Here's the thing; I just don't feel like writing anything now.  The weekend kind of snuck up on me and I didn't think of any weirdly specific lists or mildly pretentious short essays.  Usually when I get to Friday and I don't have anything I stress out and spin in circles trying to come up with something.  That's not happening now.  My best guess as to why is that nothing seems to matter after the events in Charleston this week but it could be something else entirely.  I don't claim to understand my own brain.  I thought about addressing Charleston as directly as a I could but I don't think I'm the right person to do that and certainly not so soon.  However, I promised myself I would post something every week so here's three movies that I saw for the first time recently.

Oldboy

Oldboy is the second part of the South Korean Vengeance Trilogy.  It's an intense film that looks incredible and is certainly not short on vengeance.  As far as I know the first and third movies aren't directly related to the second.  I didn't even realize it was part of a series until after I finished watching it.  I'm looking forward to watching the other parts soon.  I've read that the recent remake by Spike Lee is disappointing but I'm still curious to see this story told with an American sized budget.

High Fidelity

Putting "record store" in a movie's description is a pretty good way to get me to watch it.  I think High Fidelity and Empire Records are the only two I know of and they're both great.  I love movies that are about music.  It's practically a guarantee that they will make full use of the auditory aspect of the medium and love of music is a character trait I can easily identify with.  The High Fidelity characters' pretentiousness on the subject could be off-putting but it's acceptable because the movie is so well made.

Army of Darkness

Sam Raimi would be one of my favorite directors if the only good thing he ever made was Spider-Man movies.  Fortunately that's not the case.  I've also been impressed by The Quick and The Dead and Evil Dead 2.  The latter is such a unique movie for its manic energy, humor, and all around strangeness that following it up was certainly a challenge.  I wouldn't say Evil Dead 3: Army of Darkness surpasses its predecessor but it's not exactly a dissapointment either.  It is still memorable and worth watching.

Troublesome

"All rise for the honorable Donald J. Bone" said the bailiff.  A large mustachioed man with shoulder length black hair and a robe walked into the courtroom.  A black saucer about four inches thick and a foot wide floated just within his arm's reach.  Donald (the judge) took his seat and advised everyone else to do the same.  A few dozen saucers dropped along with the people they were following.

"I hope everyone enjoyed their recess.  I believe that the prosecution now has the floor, Ms. Linus." Donald said.

Constance Linus stood up, her blue saucer rising with her, and said "the prosecution calls Richard Hardy to the stand."

Richard made his way to the very front of the courtroom with little hesitation.  He was prepared for this.  He finally had the opportunity to tell his story.  He had done nothing wrong and it was time everyone knew it.  He was nervous, of course.  There are no guarantees in a trial, but at least he could speak for himself for once.  He looked at his saucer and a photo appeared, he took a deep breath and faced the bailiff standing in front of him as the photo faded away.

After Richard was sworn in Constance approached him and abruptly asked "Mr. Hardy, did you or did you not use the "G" word."

"Not with any malicious intention," Richard said.

"Did you or did you not use the "G" word, Mr. Hardy" Constance said.

"Objection," said Richard's lawyer Cordelia Hunt.

"Overruled," the judge said.

"Did you or did you not use the "G" word?" Constance said.

"The context is really important here, I think..."

"Did you or did you not say 'googy,'" Constance interrupted Richard, and all the air was sucked from the room.  The next second seemed to last for years but when it was over it might as well have never happened.

"Yes," said Richard.  "I said it, but I didn't know it meant anything.  I never would have said it if I knew it was troublesome.  I didn't want to hurt the Detrens.  I just thought it was a fun word."

"Fun.  You thought it was fun,"  Constance said.  "Well, let's see how much fun you were having."  Her right ring finger twitched and her saucer projected an image onto the wall behind Judge Bone.  The DiskUs didn't require any physical actions to follow mental commands, her finger twitch was just an old tick she couldn't get rid of, which was one of the most bothersome plagues on her self-esteem.

The video on the wall showed Richard in the car with his wife, Victoria, and their son, Victor.  The speakers were playing a vintage playlist, not usually their taste but they thought it was fitting for their wholesome family outing to the beach.  Their saucers were seated snugly in their compartments in the front two and back right corners.  Richard's was recording everything, so only Victor's was visible and Victoria's was just off screen.  Little Vicky swung his feet to the "Uptown Funk" and said "I like this song."

"Me too" said Victoria.

"It has a good boogie," said Victor.

"You think the boogie is good?" asked Richard.

"Yeah,"  said Victor.

"Would you say it's googy?' asked Richard.  The video stopped.

"What made you think that would be an appropriate thing to say in front of a child?" said Constance.

"Objection, that's irrelevant" said Cordelia.

"Sustained," said Donald.

"What were you thinking when you said that?" asked Constance.

"I just thought I was goofing around with my son,"  said Richard.

"Really?  You say it again now, Mr. Hardy?"

"No!  I said goofing."  Richard spelled out the word, "G-O-O-F.  Not... not the other one."

"Oh.  Well, you should enunciate next time.  I would just avoid saying anything that sounds like it.  So, you say you were just..."

"Playing,"  the judge offered.

"You were just playing with your son.  That's what you were thinking.  What do you think the Detrens who were watching you were thinking?"

"I don't know.  I don't know why anyone would be watching us," Richard said.

"Because you're son is adorable and your wife is a megababe," said Constance.  "When you have the option of observing every second of anyone's life you're going to choose a beautiful person or a cute kid."

"Yeah , that checks out.  I don't see anything wrong with what you just said," said Richard.

"Well, now that we know why we can get to how the Detrens were feeling."  Constance's finger twitched and videos appeared on all four walls, each one showing a different fleshy face surrounded by blue scales.  They were all smiling, staring into their DiskUses.

Richard's voice said "would you say it's googy?"  All the smiles disappeared.  Two of the Detrens turned away.  One covered her face with her scaly hands.  The other just stared with shock.  The one on the left who had turned away turned back with tears streaming down his face.

"I think we've seen enough," said Cordelia.

"Yes, I think we have," said Constance.  "This isn't a death trial Mr. Hardy.  These people just want an apology.  They just want you to understand their pain."

"That's enough," the judge said.

"It's not a lot to ask."  The videos fell from the walls at Constance's mental command.  "The prosecution rests," she said.

"Your witness, Ms. Hunt," said Judge Bone.

"Thank you, your honor.  Mr. Hardy, where were you when the Detrens arrived?" said Cordelia.

"I was at home with my family.  My son's birthday party was earlier that day."

"What age did he turn?"

"Three."

"And what age is he now?"

"Five, he'll be six in a few months."

"When did you receive your DiskUs?"

"About a week after the Detrens arrived."

"When you first received your DiskUs, that generous gift from our new friends the Detrens, did you watch the educational video about the Detrens' culture?"

"Yes."

"All seven hours?"

"Yes."

"Did you watch the part of the video that said the "G" word is highly offensive to Detrens?"

"I guess so," Richard said hesitantly, "I don't remember every second."

"And do you receive updates from your DiskUs about any changes to Detrenian culture that you should know about?"

"Yes."

"Did you receive an update on April 4th two years ago reminding you that the "G" word is not to be said at any time?"

"Not that I recall."

"What about the one three months later?"

"I don't remember.  I don't know where you're going with this.  You're supposed to be on my side."

"Do you remember any of the thirteen updates concerning the "G" word over the past three years?"

"Well, now that I think about it, it must have been in my subconscious, and that's why I thought to combine the words 'boogie' and 'good.'"

"Of course.  It was in the back of your mind.  You can't be expected to consciously remember every single thing that might be troublesome to a Detren."

Richard's nerves were starting to bother him again.  He looked at his saucer so he could see a calming image but nothing appeared.  "I think there's something wrong with my DiskUs," he said, looking at Cordelia then the judge.

Judge Donald Bone shrugged and looked at Cordelia.  "Of course there's something wrong with it," she said.  "Did you think you could retain control of this wonderful gift after you offended the people who gave it to you?"

Constance's finger twitched.  Her saucer did nothing.  Cordelia turned to her.  "What's wrong Connie?  Thought it would be okay to say the "G" word for dramatic effect even though you couldn't say it accidentally in a playful manner?  Well, you can't."

A beam shot from Richard's saucer.  He collapsed.  The bailiff moved to Cordelia.  "How hard is it to say the right thing all the time?" she said.

Constance collapsed.  Her wig fell off.  The bailiff hit the off switch on Cordelia's saucer a second too late.  "That's a shame.  Who knew she had such beautiful scales?"  Cordelia said as the bailiff carried her away.

Just Straight Up Talking About My Favorite Movies

A couple of weeks ago I joked that I'm very uncomfortable talking about my emotions.  It was only a joke in the sense that I exaggerated a little but it was still more or less true.  However, it's good for my brand to let people know a little more about me and I'm nothing if not a slave to my brand.  That's why I had "nerd but like a cool nerd but not too cool or obnoxious like Chris Hardwick (I kid Chris because we're friends and I'm definitely going to be on @Midnight real soon)" tattooed on my forehead in the biggest letters possible so that it all fits.  Anyway, here are my favorite movies.  Hopefully they'll give you some insight into my mind and that insight will be relatable to you and make you like me.  (But for real these are my favorite movies.  Thus ends the snarkiness.)

Almost Famous

I like a lot of things.  I like a lot of movies, songs, TV shows, etc.  Almost Famous is the best and most positive depiction of fandom that I've ever seen.  It's about a teenager who loves music so much that all he wants in life is to be a rock writer.  He gets his wish and goes on tour with a band he likes on assignment from Rolling Stone.  Along the way everyone he meets is in love with music but they show it in different ways, from the musicians themselves to the non-groupie "band aids" playing the part of muse to inspire the music they love to the Led Zeppelin obsessed Jay Baruchel.  In Almost Famous music is a religion and the heroes are those with the most faith, whether it's in the golden god on stage or the humble prophet scribbling on his notepad.

Spider-Man 2

When I was younger I liked the Spider-Man movies because they were about Spider-Man.  When I got older I found that not only do they stand up to the test of time but they are also among the most intelligent and well made action movies that I've ever seen.  I find the second one especially interesting for its themes of duality, dichotomy, and reflection.  Much of the focus is on the conflict between Peter Parker the man and Spider-Man the hero.  It's not a totally unique idea in superhero fiction, not even in 2004, but I don't know any story that explored it better.  While Parker is struggling with his identity he is trying to rebuild his relationship with actress Mary Jane Watson, a relationship mirrored by Peter's mentor/foe Otto Octavius and his wife, a former English major.  Otto goes off the rails when his wife dies, while Peter finds balance when he accepts that he can carry the burden of both his lives, but not alone.  There's also a ton of reflection related imagery.

The Breakfast Club

I imagine the definitive high school movie might stop being one of my favorites at some point but it hasn't happened by age 23.  Perhaps The Breakfast Club never gets old because there's a part of us all that never stops being a teenager, or maybe it's because the entire concept is that teenagers are just as complex and fully human as any other age group.  Either way, it's impressive that a movie from 1985 can still be the most beloved depiction of high school for someone who graduated in 2010.  I've had more discussions about The Breakfast Club than any other movie and so far the only person I know of who didn't love it was in high school with me and hadn't seen any more than a few minutes of it.  Most summaries of the movies will say that it's about five archetypes who discover their similarities, but the real surprise is that the audience finds similarities to most, if not all, of the characters.  The Buzzfeed quiz we both know exists without looking for it is moot.  Nobody is only one Breakfast Club character.  That's the point.  "Each one of us is a brain and an athlete and a basket case, a princess and a criminal."  But it's still pretty cool that I got John Bender.