I guess part of why I got so negative last week is because I've been having a hard time lately what with becoming a supernatural cannibalistic snow monster and all. I guess I should expand on that incase you missed my Spotify post.
And maybe a quick recap won't hurt even if you did see it.
A few weeks ago some friends and I took a trip up to Montreal to make a blood sacrifice to Leonard Cohen at his birthplace, like ya do. We were just innocently driving through Canada singing along to "Suzanne." I even think the shaman tied up in the trunk hummed along to the chorus. On second thought, that could have been him reciting the spell that teleported us to the heart of the wilderness without our phones. You can probably guess what happened next; it's the same thing anyone else would have done. I ate my friends' flesh and used their pelts for warmth within minutes of being stranded.
As soon as the curse took effect my body transformed as quickly as my mind but much more painfully. All my fat disappeared and my skin tightened around my bones. I've been trying for years to lose weight with varying success. I worked out daily, skipped meals, and ate food I didn't like. I never would have thought the most effective diet would be another fat person. They say nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, but turns out they could have both. They can even eat their cake and I can eat it too. If I have one gripe with my new bod, it's that I would prefer to be the muscular and hairy wendigo from Marvel comics, but leggars can't be choosers.
Not a typo.
By the time I stumbled back to civilization I was hungry again, which was strange since I had just eaten my friends about fifteen minutes before. I made my way to the nearest restaurant and asked if they had poutine, as I've always wanted to try it. Unfortunately the entire staff and all the patrons fled from my gruesome appearance, so I helped myself. It was pretty good, but not quite as good as the guy I found hiding in the bathroom who had just eaten poutine. I took his keys and made my way to his car so I could try to go home but whenever I got close to it the hunger overtook me and I went in the other direction. Apparently after the wendigo curse was first created the shaman behind it realized it would be bad if any of the monsters got loose so he contained them (us) to the Canadian backwoods. That's fine by me if Tim Hortons customers taste as good the poutine guy. Also, it's true what they say, the people are so nice here. Sometimes they apologize to me when I bite into them.
Still, I realize mythical cannibalism isn't for everyone. If you're still on the fence, I can tell you that I have never been disappointed by people meat. Since I can eat all I want and never get full or put on any fat I've had a lot of opportunities to experiment with different recipes. I've tried skin-flapjacks with maple syrup, I've tried nachos con arm-e, I've tried Mark-chops and pork-Chads, and not once have I thought "this human flesh just isn't doing it for me." Sidenote: since my hunger consumes my every thought I don't even feel any shame about these awful puns. I'm not asking you to commit to wendigoism right now, I'm just offering you the chance to come up and watch me or someone else work, and see how much fun we're having. And while you're at it, maybe bring some good old American barbecue sauce with you. No reason.
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