If I Were an Avenger

The scene opens on a small shanty on a tropical island.  A grizzled Brian Brown is watching the sun rise.

"Well if it isn't Rick Jury,"* Brian said to the man behind him.

"Surprised to see me?" Rick relplied.

"I was when I spotted you three hours ago.  Have you forgotten everything I taught you about espionage?"

"Maybe I wanted you to see me,"  Rick said to his mentor and best friend.

"You might have three hours ago but definitely not five hours ago when I actually spotted you."  Brian said as he went to the bar and poured himself a glass of chocolate milk.

"You're still the best there is.  That's why I'm here."

"I told you Rick, I'm not interested in joining your little boy band."

"Damn it, Brown.  Zayn left One Direction.  They're on their way out and someone has to fill that void!  Why not us?" Rick said desperately.  "Forget it, this isn't about that.  Lykke** is attacking the Earth and we need your help to stop her."

"Laura Dern stopped her evil sister all by herself last time.  Why do you need me?"

"Because this time Lykke has an entire army at her disposal."

For the first time Brian seemed scared.  "You don't mean..."

"Yes.  The Chi-Carly.  An evil alien army of white girls.  They're literally unstoppable."

"Well, not literally."

"No, of course not."***

"Alright.  I'm in, but I'm not doing this for you, Rick.  I'm doing it for Timmy, the innocent child who needs a hero.  I'm doing it for Robert, the average man just struggling to get through the day.  I'm doing it for Emma Stone.  Actually, those are really the only three people I'm interested in protecting.  Could you just put them in a secure bunker?  Seriously, everyone else can just fucking die."

"No.  No bunker."

"Maybe I taught you too well," Brian said, grinning.

By the time Brian arrived at the helicarrier Private America and Metal Male had already captured Lykke.  Rick Jury was foolish not to call him in sooner.  He could have saved lives, but what's done is done.  Brian swore off using his time travel powers years ago, at least until he can find a way to do it without damaging the space-time continuum.  He walked in to find the team arguing with each other.

"That's enough,"  he stated forcefully.  "I am very disappointed in all of you.  Did none of you listen to my speech at the U.N.?  If we are going to call ourselves heroes we must treat each other with the utmost love and respect."

"You're right Brian.  I'm ashamed of myself," said Stan Dodgers, Private America.

"We all are," said Metal Male.  "We're all ashamed of Stan."

"Donny Clark, you may think you're humor doesn't hurt anyone but I think there's a kernel of truth in that jab at Stan.  You can't blame all your problems on other people.  You need to realize that everyone here wants the same thing and the way to achieve it is by working together without judgment."

"I'm sorry.  I'm just so overwhelmed by all this," said Donny.

"Say no more, Mr. Clark.  This is new territory for all of us.  Let's just focus on doing what needs to be done."  Brian suddenly held up a hand to indicate that the rest shouldn't speak.  "Do you hear that?  Dr. Fanner, can you pull up the external security cameras we obviously have?"

"Here they are.  It looks someone is aiming an arrow at the helicarrier.  I don't know what he thinks that's going to do," said Bryce Fanner.

"That must be my old friend Clyde Martin; alias Falcon Crest.  He is not to be underestimated.  He no doubt has an explosive arrow in that bow of his.  Everyone brace yourselves."

Everyone stood ready as an explosion rocked the floor they stood on.  Once it passed Brian took charge once again.  "Major Dodgers, I don't know why you chose Private America as your codename..."

"It's an entirely new identity separate from my own so I thought I should start all over again," Stan said.

"That's simultaneously fascinating, noble, and ridiculous.  Regardless, please don't interrupt me again.  As I was saying, at this point it's imperative that you and Mr. Clark put your differences aside to repair the engine that Martin just damaged.  I believe that you two could either be great friends or terrible enemies, but right now you must first and foremost be teammates.  Dr. Fanner, tensions have been high for some time now and things are about to become even more intense.  You need to cool your beans."

"Don't you mean 'cool your jets?'"  Bryce asked.  "'Cool your beans' doesn't mean anything."

"What does it matter if a jet is cool or hot?  Hot beans on the other hand could potentially burn your tongue.  Think about it.  Say 'cool your beans' some more and see how it feels in your mouth.  Natalie, can I speak with you for a moment."  Natalie Romano, alias Jack's Widow, and Brian stepped out of the room and into the hallway.

"'Cool your beans' is a phrase structured in a way that lowers stress.  As long as Bryce keeps it in mind he should be able to maintain some control over the Bulge."

"So what are we waiting for?  We have to find Clyde, we know him better than anyone.  If anyone can end Lykke's hypnotic hold it's us," Natalie said enthusiastically.

"That's exactly why I have to do this alone.  You're too close to this, Natalie.  You have to stay here and keep Bryce calm."

"Fine.  I'll do it but I don't have to like it."

"You never do," Brian said flirtatiously.

"What?" Natalie said confusedly, but Brian was already gone.  He was chasing down his old archery apprentice.  When he found him, Clyde quickly shot an arrow at Brian.  Brian caught it and threw it at Clyde.  It went through Clyde's body armor and stuck in the wall, keeping him immobile.

"Clyde, my old friend.  You must snap out of this trance Lykke has you under.  You're stronger than this."

"Never," said Clyde.

"Then you leave me no choice," Brian said with disappointment.  He tapped the comm device in his ear.  "Rick, I need you to play a song.  You know the one.  The instrumental track."

Brian held eye contact with Clyde as the piano began to play.  Then he began to sing "Why's it never light on my lawn?"  Clyde immediately started to shift where he stood.  He shook his head as if he had water in his ear and blinked forcefully.  Once Brian sang the chorus, "tell me grey seal how does it feel to be so wise?" Clyde began to jerk around uncontrollably then suddenly stopped and hung his head.  By the second chorus Clyde was alert and singing along with Brian.  When the song ended Brian pulled out the arrow and hugged his friend.

"Thank you," Clyde said.

"Don't thank me.  You won this battle today, Clyde.  You and Sir Elton John.  That man is a national treasure," Brian said.

"He's British," Clyde said like a fool.

"We all belong to the nation of music, Clyde," Brian said making Clyde look like a fool.  Come on.  We need to regroup with the others."  As they walked back to the bridge Rick Jury's voice came over the speakers that had just played beautiful music to tell them that Agent Phil Coulson was killed by Lykke during her escape.

When Brian saw Rick he said "Clyde can you excuse us for a moment."  Once Clyde was out of earshot Brian said "Phil was a good man.  He was too good.  He taught me more than you will ever know about bowling and life and stuff.  You have to revive him with the Tahiti project, Rick."

"But the risks..." Rick said worriedly.

"I know about the risks, Rick, but we don't have any other choice."

"You're right.  It's a tough call.  I'm glad I'm not the one that has to make it," Rick said.

"I'm glad too," Brian said "because you're a massive pussy.  Usually I wouldn't use that word but in this case I think it's the best way to get my point across.  You need to get it together.  So what's our next move.  Given the timing and Lykke's flair for extravagance I think we can assume she'll be at Clark Tower.  Tell everyone to suit up.  Laura should distract her sister while I try to figure out how to shut down the machine.  Everyone else should stand ready to move at my order.  Oh, and if I know the counsel they'll be tempted to blow up the entire city.  Just tell them I said that's not okay."

After a short plane ride Brian stepped onto the Clark Tower roof and he approached astrophysicist Earl Helbig.  "Earl, I need you to tell me how to shut down this machine," Brian said."

"Never.  I will be at Lykke's side as she rises to the throne," Earl said.

"Of course," Brian said, "you're under Lykke's control as well.  I don't have time for the whole song."  Brian tapped his comm device.  "Team, I need Lykke's scepter.  Move in."  Soon Stan brought Lykke's scepter to Brian as the other's kept fighting.  "Thank you Stan.  Now I have control of Earl and I can remove him of the scepter's influence.   Earl, I need you tell me how to turn off the machine."

"You have to use the scepter.  I built in a shut down switch despite Lykke's influence."

Brian shut down the machine with the scepter then said, "Earl, I'm impressed at your ability to overcome Lykke's influence.  Now all that's left is to confront her."

When Brian, Natalie, and Earl got to the other's they were still fighting Lykke.  "I think that's enough violence for one day," Brian said.  "Lykke, you have no army and you're outnumbered.  You're going to prison on Asgard where you will learn the error of your ways.  Know this, if you ever challenge Earth again you will meet the full force of the Vengeanceifiers."

[End Credits]

[Mid Credits scene]: The Whole N'other*** says to Manos "To challenge the one known as Brian is to court death.  Why are you smiling?  He will kill you.  He will wipe you out of existence.  You're still smiling.  Is this about your weird death fetish?  I mean, no judgment but you're a straight freak."

[After Credits scene]: Brian and the Vengeancifiers eat shawarma in silence.






*Copyright stuff.  It's complicated.
**Norse mythology is public domain but I'm having fun with this.  Besides, Lykke Li would make a great super-villain.  Also, Thor is Luara Dern because Thora Birch is too easy.  She was actually named after Thor.  Plus, it sets up Bruce Dern to be Odin and that would be great.
***I admit, white girl jokes are cheap and easy.  I'm not proud but I'm not ashamed either.
****The guy talking to Thanos in The Avengers mid-credits is named The Other.  I didn't know that until I realized I had to think of a funny name for him.

Previously in the march to Age of Ultron:

Iron Man

The Incredible Hulk

Iron Man 2

Thor

Captain America: The First Avenger

3 Worse Time Periods for Captain America to Come From

Captain America: The First Avenger tells the story of Steve Rogers; how he became a super soldier to fight Nazi's for a couple of years before he was frozen in a cryogenic state for over half a century.  When he wakes up the die-hard Brooklynite finds himself in Times Square staring down the M&M's Store cursing Rudy Giuliani for gentrificating the rat pee smell out of CBGB's bathroom.

It's still better than New Jersey! Hahaha!  No, you've never been to New York!

Men out of their times like Steve Rogers have been in popular stories for centuries.  A possible influence on Captain America is Rip Van Winkle, an iconic American story about a man who goes to sleep before the Revolutionary War and wakes up after it.  The formula goes back even further than Rip Van Winkle, though, to cultures all throughout history.  All of those stories would be very different if the protagonist came from a different time.  If Rip Van Winkle went to sleep a century earlier in America he would be more surprised by all the white people than the absence of a king.  The same is true of Captain America.  He pretty much only could have come from the 1940's.  He would certainly be different if he came from any of these other times.

The 90's

One of the best things about The First Avenger is the direction of Joe Johnston.  He's famous for his work on mid century period pieces like The Rocketeer and October Sky in the 90's.  The problem is, he's spent so much of his career telling khaki coated tales from the 40's and 50's that he probably wouldn't know Singles from Single White Female.  He's a great director and by far the best choice to make a 40's serial influenced action film, but I wouldn't put him in charge of an episode of Fresh Off The Boat.

The Stone Age

Speaking of the 90's, have you seen Encino Man?  I haven't.  I suppose if I was really dedicated I would seek it out for research like I did with XXX: State of the Union when I wrote about Iron Man 2 but that post only got 13 views so forget it.  All I know about Encino Man is that it's about a caveman who gets unfrozen in the 90's and meets Pauly Shore.

And this happens.  This might actually be all that happens.

Based on that I can imagine it's pretty ironically enjoyable but not very super-heroic.  The SNL "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" sketch is closer but still not good enough.

Immediately Before or After World War II

Within minutes after getting buffed up Steve Rogers chases a Nazi through the streets of Brooklyn.  He barely had time to put on a shirt and mourn his friend who the Nazi assassinated before he hit the road.  After that he took a little time to find his muscular footing then he spent the last half of the movie beating up more Nazis.  An important part of Cap's later film appearances in The Avengers and Captain America: Winter Soldier is his status as a legendary war hero.  That wouldn't have been as impressive if he weren't in war, or even if he were in any other war that didn't have Nazis.

Previously:

Iron Man

The Incredible Hulk

Iron Man 2

Thor

How does 'Thor' compare to other superpower loss movies?

When you get down to it, the entire superhero genre is built on the idea of someone receiving immense power.  Sometimes the power comes from a freak accident like Peter Parker's spider bite.  Sometimes a hero chooses to take on the power, like when Steve Rogers signed up for Project: Rebirth and became Captain America.  Other times the person is born with their power or it develops naturally, like Clark Kent or any of the X-Men.  Thor falls into the latter category.

The natural storytelling follow up to gaining power is losing it.  It happens in nearly every superhero film series.  For some it happens sooner than others.  Thor could and did lose his powers in his first movie because he's had them since birth.  They're barely even a factor because in his home of Asgard he's surrounded by people with pretty similar skill sets.  Even when he is banished to Earth having his powers taken away is just an attempt to level the playing field.  It was a surprisingly unsuccessful attempt coming from the All-Father because an earthbound Thor is still the tallest, strongest, and handsomest guy around.

This is one of the many ways Thor distinguishes itself from the most famous power loss superhero movie, Superman II.  In the 1980 classic Superman willingly gives up his powers for a normal life with Lois Lane.  Having been exceedingly stronger and faster than everyone else his entire life then giving all that away results in a Clark Kent who can't take a punch to save his life.  In his very first de-powered social interaction Clark gets beaten to a pulp by a trucker in a diner.  When Thor went to a diner he was lightly scolded by Natalie Portman for smashing a coffee mug before he left to smash the heads of a highly trained team of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents instead.

Let's just say you don't want to be the S.H.I.E.L.D.
agent who messes up G.U.A.R.D. D.U.T.Y.

Superman II was undoubtedly an inspiration for the similarly plotted Spider-Man 2.  In the 2004 Spider-Man sequel Peter Parker's spider-powers fade for reasons that aren't entirely clear.  The only hint is that it is probably psychosomatic.  That means his powers are gone because his head just isn't in the game.  They only come back when Peter's love interest Mary Jane is in danger, forcing him to accept his role as a hero in order to save her.

Impotence metaphor shimpotence shmetaphor

Similarly, Thor needs to show some growth before he can get his powers back.  When Odin banishes Thor he forces him to prove his worth.  Only then could he lift his hammer and return to his full strength.  In the end Thor sacrifices himself to save others, proving that he has grown into his role as heir to the throne of Asgard.

Impotence metaphor and messiah analogy
shimpotence shmetaphor and shmessiah shanalogy

Even superheroes without powers manage to lose whatever they have, but for them it apparently doesn't happen until the third movie.  Within a year of each other Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark both had threequels in which they were stranded in the middle of nowhere without their money, gear, or armor.  The fish then had to work with a local in order to learn the lay of the land and get back in the water.  In 2012's The Dark Knight Rises Bane traps Bruce in an underground prison in a desert.  An older prisoner fixes Bruce's back and tells him how to escape.  In 2013's Iron Man 3 Tony's armor goes haywire, marooning him in Tennessee with malfunctioning tech.  He teams up with a young boy to find out what the villain is up to and where to find him before he just gets in a car and leaves.

Thor's "fish out of water" situation is a little more exaggerated since he is on an entirely different planet than he's used to.  He's without his weapon and his status as prince of Asgard, but fortunately he's backed by a whole team of Earthlings.  The moment he lands on Earth Thor collides with his romantic lead Jane Foster, who is studying the astrophysics that allows the Asgardians to travel between worlds.  She is joined by her mentor Erik Selvig and her intern Darcy.  Together they teach the God of Thunder the ways of man, as well as the value of a calm head and good judgment.

All throughout the history of storytelling protagonists have had to take a step back so they could move forward.  It goes all the way back to Job, who lost everything including the lives of his family, at the hands of Satan.  In the end God rewarded him for his faith and fortitude with more than he ever had before.  That's a pretty dark example compared to Thor's lighthearted romp but that's what you get from the Old Testament.  As the saying goes, you have to go through Hell before you get to Heaven.  In Thor's case Earth is Hell, which is fine.  I'm sure Jane doesn't take that personally at all.

Previously:

Iron Man

The Incredible Hulk

Iron Man 2

'Iron Man 2' and Tom Morello's Love/Hate Relationship with Machinery

As I watched Iron Man 2 in preparation for Avengers: Age of Ultron I realized that one of the easiest decisions made in the production of this and the first Iron Man movie was probably to use a lot of loud rock music, specifically of the "metal" variety.  Not only is it an obvious yet unavoidable pun, but the hero's name is the same as a Black Sabbath classic.  Sabbath's "Iron Man" is included in the first movie, along with music by AC/DC and Suicidal Tendencies.  AC/DC even returned to make up the entirety of the second movie's official soundtrack.  As if that weren't enough, both movies' original scores featured Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello.

Maybe the pun could have been avoided,
but dear God at what cost?

Fortunately, the Iron Man franchise has one of the most important qualities Morello looks for when he works on a film: a lot of machinery.  He has worked on six different film's scores, all of them involving sci-fi technology, automobiles, or both.  First there was XXX: State of The Union, the spy movie sequel that replaced Vin Diesel with Ice Cube and replaced extreme sports with muscle cars.  Next, Morello worked on Talladega Nights, a comedy about a NASCAR driver.  After that there was the two Iron Man movies, then Battleship, a movie about aliens in high tech Transformers Halloween costumes fighting people in boats.  Finally, in 2013 Tom Morello worked on the movie of his dreams: Pacific Rim.  This is the movie Morello was born to play guitar on.  I'm being completely serious when I say that Pacific Rim is one of my favorite movies of the past few years and Morello's work on the score is a big part of that.  His crunchy guitar riffs go perfectly with the giant robots in the battle against giant monsters.  Still, all of this raises the question "why does Morello want to rage against a machine when he loves them so much?"  The answer is "the machine is obviously a metaphor and I think you know that."

Still, the idea of a man fighting against a machine while profiting from it or another one like it is actually a pretty good analogy for Iron Man himself, Tony Stark.  The music in the soundtrack seems to echo Stark's own taste.  For at least the first two Iron Man movies and The Avengers he is shown listening to metal and punk music, both of which typically encourage the dismantling of the established power structure.  All the while Stark remains a very rich man who spends his free time playing hero in the world's most upscale and form fitting tank, so he's not exactly lacking in power.

Stark also spends much of Iron Man 2 trying to keep his suit out of the hands of the government.  The very same government that bought untold amounts of weapons from Tony and his father.  Iron Man literally could not exist if not for the Stark family's various weapons contracts with the United States.  It's worth noting that the senator leading the charge against Stark was secretly a member of the evil organization Hydra, but no one knew that at the time.  More importantly, Stark's biting of the hand that fed him is better justified by the events of the first movie.  The entire series was set in motion when Stark was attacked and kidnapped by a terrorist organization who tried to force him to make weapons.  After his escape Tony swore off weapon manufacturing in favor of his own super-heroic pursuits.

2014's Captain America: Winter Soldier has gotten a lot of well deserved praise for its social relevance, but I've been fascinated by Iron Man's politics since I read this Cracked article fron 2011 comparing Iron Man 2 to Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged.  Rand was famously anti-establishment but Tony Stark's beliefs aren't so simple.  Not only is he willing to work with the shady government organization S.H.I.E.L.D. but it seems that by next year he wall fall squarely in favor of government regulation.  The 2016 movie Captain America: Civil War will be based on the 2006 comic book event Civil War.  In it, all of the superheroes fight over the Superhuman Registration Act, which is exactly what it sounds like.  Iron Man leads the pro-registration side and Captain America leads the anti-registration side.  There is every indication that the movie adaptation will feature the same dynamic, which means that between Iron Man 2 and Civil War Tony Stark will have radically changed his feelings about the government and transformed from libertarian folk hero to J. Edgar Hoover.

Tony Stark's connection to politics goes all the way back to his conception in 1963.  Stan Lee has said that he created him as a writing challenge to make the young liberal readers of the time fall for a capitalist war profiteer.  And it worked.  For over 50 years.  I guess all of this just means that even fictional politics are confusing and complicated and I don't know what I'm going to do without Jon Stewart to help me make sense of the real stuff.  I know two things for certain though; Pacific Rim is a great movie and Tom Morello is really good at making giant robots sound just as cool as they look.

Previously:

Iron Man

The Incredible Hulk