"Well if it isn't Rick Jury,"* Brian said to the man behind him.
"Surprised to see me?" Rick relplied.
"I was when I spotted you three hours ago. Have you forgotten everything I taught you about espionage?"
"Maybe I wanted you to see me," Rick said to his mentor and best friend.
"You might have three hours ago but definitely not five hours ago when I actually spotted you." Brian said as he went to the bar and poured himself a glass of chocolate milk.
"You're still the best there is. That's why I'm here."
"I told you Rick, I'm not interested in joining your little boy band."
"Damn it, Brown. Zayn left One Direction. They're on their way out and someone has to fill that void! Why not us?" Rick said desperately. "Forget it, this isn't about that. Lykke** is attacking the Earth and we need your help to stop her."
"Laura Dern stopped her evil sister all by herself last time. Why do you need me?"
"Because this time Lykke has an entire army at her disposal."
For the first time Brian seemed scared. "You don't mean..."
"Yes. The Chi-Carly. An evil alien army of white girls. They're literally unstoppable."
"Well, not literally."
"No, of course not."***
"Alright. I'm in, but I'm not doing this for you, Rick. I'm doing it for Timmy, the innocent child who needs a hero. I'm doing it for Robert, the average man just struggling to get through the day. I'm doing it for Emma Stone. Actually, those are really the only three people I'm interested in protecting. Could you just put them in a secure bunker? Seriously, everyone else can just fucking die."
"No. No bunker."
"Maybe I taught you too well," Brian said, grinning.
By the time Brian arrived at the helicarrier Private America and Metal Male had already captured Lykke. Rick Jury was foolish not to call him in sooner. He could have saved lives, but what's done is done. Brian swore off using his time travel powers years ago, at least until he can find a way to do it without damaging the space-time continuum. He walked in to find the team arguing with each other.
"That's enough," he stated forcefully. "I am very disappointed in all of you. Did none of you listen to my speech at the U.N.? If we are going to call ourselves heroes we must treat each other with the utmost love and respect."
"You're right Brian. I'm ashamed of myself," said Stan Dodgers, Private America.
"We all are," said Metal Male. "We're all ashamed of Stan."
"Donny Clark, you may think you're humor doesn't hurt anyone but I think there's a kernel of truth in that jab at Stan. You can't blame all your problems on other people. You need to realize that everyone here wants the same thing and the way to achieve it is by working together without judgment."
"I'm sorry. I'm just so overwhelmed by all this," said Donny.
"Say no more, Mr. Clark. This is new territory for all of us. Let's just focus on doing what needs to be done." Brian suddenly held up a hand to indicate that the rest shouldn't speak. "Do you hear that? Dr. Fanner, can you pull up the external security cameras we obviously have?"
"Here they are. It looks someone is aiming an arrow at the helicarrier. I don't know what he thinks that's going to do," said Bryce Fanner.
"That must be my old friend Clyde Martin; alias Falcon Crest. He is not to be underestimated. He no doubt has an explosive arrow in that bow of his. Everyone brace yourselves."
Everyone stood ready as an explosion rocked the floor they stood on. Once it passed Brian took charge once again. "Major Dodgers, I don't know why you chose Private America as your codename..."
"It's an entirely new identity separate from my own so I thought I should start all over again," Stan said.
"That's simultaneously fascinating, noble, and ridiculous. Regardless, please don't interrupt me again. As I was saying, at this point it's imperative that you and Mr. Clark put your differences aside to repair the engine that Martin just damaged. I believe that you two could either be great friends or terrible enemies, but right now you must first and foremost be teammates. Dr. Fanner, tensions have been high for some time now and things are about to become even more intense. You need to cool your beans."
"Don't you mean 'cool your jets?'" Bryce asked. "'Cool your beans' doesn't mean anything."
"What does it matter if a jet is cool or hot? Hot beans on the other hand could potentially burn your tongue. Think about it. Say 'cool your beans' some more and see how it feels in your mouth. Natalie, can I speak with you for a moment." Natalie Romano, alias Jack's Widow, and Brian stepped out of the room and into the hallway.
"'Cool your beans' is a phrase structured in a way that lowers stress. As long as Bryce keeps it in mind he should be able to maintain some control over the Bulge."
"So what are we waiting for? We have to find Clyde, we know him better than anyone. If anyone can end Lykke's hypnotic hold it's us," Natalie said enthusiastically.
"That's exactly why I have to do this alone. You're too close to this, Natalie. You have to stay here and keep Bryce calm."
"Fine. I'll do it but I don't have to like it."
"You never do," Brian said flirtatiously.
"What?" Natalie said confusedly, but Brian was already gone. He was chasing down his old archery apprentice. When he found him, Clyde quickly shot an arrow at Brian. Brian caught it and threw it at Clyde. It went through Clyde's body armor and stuck in the wall, keeping him immobile.
"Clyde, my old friend. You must snap out of this trance Lykke has you under. You're stronger than this."
"Never," said Clyde.
"Then you leave me no choice," Brian said with disappointment. He tapped the comm device in his ear. "Rick, I need you to play a song. You know the one. The instrumental track."
Brian held eye contact with Clyde as the piano began to play. Then he began to sing "Why's it never light on my lawn?" Clyde immediately started to shift where he stood. He shook his head as if he had water in his ear and blinked forcefully. Once Brian sang the chorus, "tell me grey seal how does it feel to be so wise?" Clyde began to jerk around uncontrollably then suddenly stopped and hung his head. By the second chorus Clyde was alert and singing along with Brian. When the song ended Brian pulled out the arrow and hugged his friend.
"Thank you," Clyde said.
"Don't thank me. You won this battle today, Clyde. You and Sir Elton John. That man is a national treasure," Brian said.
"He's British," Clyde said like a fool.
"We all belong to the nation of music, Clyde," Brian said making Clyde look like a fool. Come on. We need to regroup with the others." As they walked back to the bridge Rick Jury's voice came over the speakers that had just played beautiful music to tell them that Agent Phil Coulson was killed by Lykke during her escape.
When Brian saw Rick he said "Clyde can you excuse us for a moment." Once Clyde was out of earshot Brian said "Phil was a good man. He was too good. He taught me more than you will ever know about bowling and life and stuff. You have to revive him with the Tahiti project, Rick."
"But the risks..." Rick said worriedly.
"I know about the risks, Rick, but we don't have any other choice."
"You're right. It's a tough call. I'm glad I'm not the one that has to make it," Rick said.
"I'm glad too," Brian said "because you're a massive pussy. Usually I wouldn't use that word but in this case I think it's the best way to get my point across. You need to get it together. So what's our next move. Given the timing and Lykke's flair for extravagance I think we can assume she'll be at Clark Tower. Tell everyone to suit up. Laura should distract her sister while I try to figure out how to shut down the machine. Everyone else should stand ready to move at my order. Oh, and if I know the counsel they'll be tempted to blow up the entire city. Just tell them I said that's not okay."
After a short plane ride Brian stepped onto the Clark Tower roof and he approached astrophysicist Earl Helbig. "Earl, I need you to tell me how to shut down this machine," Brian said."
"Never. I will be at Lykke's side as she rises to the throne," Earl said.
"Of course," Brian said, "you're under Lykke's control as well. I don't have time for the whole song." Brian tapped his comm device. "Team, I need Lykke's scepter. Move in." Soon Stan brought Lykke's scepter to Brian as the other's kept fighting. "Thank you Stan. Now I have control of Earl and I can remove him of the scepter's influence. Earl, I need you tell me how to turn off the machine."
"You have to use the scepter. I built in a shut down switch despite Lykke's influence."
Brian shut down the machine with the scepter then said, "Earl, I'm impressed at your ability to overcome Lykke's influence. Now all that's left is to confront her."
When Brian, Natalie, and Earl got to the other's they were still fighting Lykke. "I think that's enough violence for one day," Brian said. "Lykke, you have no army and you're outnumbered. You're going to prison on Asgard where you will learn the error of your ways. Know this, if you ever challenge Earth again you will meet the full force of the Vengeanceifiers."
[End Credits]
[Mid Credits scene]: The Whole N'other*** says to Manos "To challenge the one known as Brian is to court death. Why are you smiling? He will kill you. He will wipe you out of existence. You're still smiling. Is this about your weird death fetish? I mean, no judgment but you're a straight freak."
[After Credits scene]: Brian and the Vengeancifiers eat shawarma in silence.
*Copyright stuff. It's complicated.
**Norse mythology is public domain but I'm having fun with this. Besides, Lykke Li would make a great super-villain. Also, Thor is Luara Dern because Thora Birch is too easy. She was actually named after Thor. Plus, it sets up Bruce Dern to be Odin and that would be great.
***I admit, white girl jokes are cheap and easy. I'm not proud but I'm not ashamed either.
****The guy talking to Thanos in The Avengers mid-credits is named The Other. I didn't know that until I realized I had to think of a funny name for him.
Previously in the march to Age of Ultron:
Iron Man
The Incredible Hulk
Iron Man 2
Thor
Captain America: The First Avenger
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