Twelve Year Old Brian: Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
Twenty-Four Year Old Brian: Hey! Relax! I'm you from the year 2016.
Twelve: Oh, that checks out.
Twenty-Four: That's it? You just accept it?
Twelve: Yeah, dude. I'm twelve, I live for this time travel stuff.
Twenty-Four: Me too, actually. Speaking of which, in about six years Doctor Who is going to become really popular. Don't get sucked in. It has its ups and downs but at its best it's barely as good as a mediocre episode of Star Trek.
Twelve: Star Trek? Geez, do I really become that big of a nerd?
Twenty-Four: Yeah, but it's fine. Nerds are cool in the future. There are all these superhero movies like Captain America: Civil War, and Batman V Superman, and, like, a dozen X-Men movies. The whole phenomena is best epitomized by this guy Chris Hardwick, who you know as "guy from the episode of Boy Meets World where Eric goes on a dating show." Anyway, this guy has built an entertainment empire on nerd stuff and now he's getting married to William Randolph Hearst's great granddaughter, which is like American royalty. He's basically a Kennedy and he loves sci-fi as much as we do.
Twelve: Wow! I don't know what a Kennedy is but wow! The future sounds great.
Twenty-Four: Yeah, in some ways but in other ways things aren't really going the way you want.
Twelve: What do I want?
Twenty-Four: And therein lies the problem.
Twelve: Okay. Cool it. I'm twelve and you haven't been in college for two years. Neither of us is the right age for your pretentious indie-comedy existential angst bull crap. Let's go back a bit. Did you say "Batman V Superman?" What is that? Like a court case over licensing rights?
Twenty-Four: No, it's a movie. Batman and Superman are gonna fight each other in live action and it's a gonna make a ton of money.
Twelve: Holy cow! That sounds amazing! I can't believe I have to wait twelve years for that.
Twenty-Four: More like thirteen by the time it gets to cable.
Twelve: What do you mean? Are movie theaters so exorbitantly expensive that only the extremely wealthy can afford them?
Twenty-Four: Almost, but actually I'm just not going to see it in theaters. I might never see it.
Twelve: I'm going to murder you in your sleep. Don't even joke like that.
Twenty-Four: I'm serious. It's technically the sequel to this awful Superman movie. The writer and director just don't understand the character. I don't think they even like Superman.
Twelve: What are you talking about? It's a superhero movie. With two superheroes. Fighting each other. What's the problem?
Twenty-Four: Actually, Wonder Woman is in it too. And Flash and Aquaman, I think. Look, Superman killed a guy in his movie. He killed his enemy, General Zod in Man of Steel.
Twelve: So what?
Twenty-Four: There it is. That's the whole problem. You don't care. If you and I didn't see superheroes as role models at least a little bit we wouldn't be interested in them at all. I don't like the idea of little kids like you seeing a superhero, especially Superman, killing someone. I don't want you thinking that's an acceptable sacrifice to make, which you would. I'm certain that some part of your brain would think "if Superman can kill his enemies maybe it's okay sometimes." Maybe you would use that part to justify cops shooting black people or whatever.
Twelve: Alright. Take a breath. Hey, why are we in this bedroom. We moved out of here years ago.
Twenty-Four: I guess I just don't associate your house with my childhood because it's kind of still my house.
Twelve: Ouch.
Twenty-Four: Yeah. I mean, Chris Hardwick is doing great because he's really charming and charismatic. Me, not so much. And don't judge me, you little homophobe. Go through the long and difficult process of defying your conservative upbringing to reach the conclusion that there's absolutely nothing wrong with being gay and then you can judge me and believe you me, I will. Newsflash, your clothes are made of multiple kinds of fabric.
Twelve: I have problems too, you know. I'm fat in middle school. Now you're telling me I grow up to be a weird loser and I hate a superhero movie and everything sucks unless your Chris Hardwick.
Twenty-Four: It's not all so bad. The fat thing is rough but that's one thing you have a certain amount of control over. I've been floating around "average body type" since high school. College is kind of cool for the first couple of years. At least the first year. The first three months are exciting. And the majority of superhero movies really are pretty cool. I mean, even Deadpool is amazing.
Twelve: What's Deadpool?
Twenty-Four: Oh, right. In 2004 your knowledge of superheroes is almost entirely centered on movies and cartoons. Doesn't matter, you're way too young to watch Deadpool anyway.
Twelve: I'm almost thirteen. How old do you need to be to see a superhero movie in the future?
Twenty-Four: Deadpool is a special case, but that's another thing. Batman V Superman doesn't exactly seem kid friendly. Now, because of Deadpool, it looks like they're going to release a special R rated version which makes me think it would have rounded up to an R anyway. Not that superheroes have to be for kids specifically, I just think there's a problem if you can't take a kid to see a Superman movie and say "that's how we should all try to be. Superman has the ability to do more good than I can but I just try to do my best and I hope you will too." Superman is all about inspiring greatness. It's like Jor-El says to young Superman in the old 70's movie, "they can be a great people Kal-El, they wish to be, they only lack the light to show them the way."
Twelve: OK, I get it, Superman is good and Batman V Superman is bad. Why are we still talking about this?
Twenty-Four: It's on my brain partially because of all the advertising. You should try to explain to a targeted ad algorithm that loving Batman and Superman doesn't necessarily mean you're interested in a movie called Batman V Superman. Also, I know I care about this way more than I should. I guess Superman represents a part of myself that I'm really struggling to hold on to at this point in my life.
Twelve: Whoa, didn't we agree to drop the existential angst stuff, gaywad?
Twenty-Four: I didn't agree to anything twerp. And there's that homophobia rearing it's ugly head. You're going to regret that one day.
Twelve: Stop saying stuff like that.
Twenty-Four: Stop saying what? That your fear and anger towards gayness is misplaced?
Twelve: Yeah, basically.
Twenty-Four: I get it, you've believed one thing for a long time and you think that thing is tied with the fate of your immortal soul. When someone suggests that your belief is not just wrong but also harmful to other people it's easier to get angry than to really consider that you might be wrong. A lot of people don't think about how hard it is to change your stance on social and political issues when you're afraid that you'll go to Hell for it. And just imagine what it's like for actual gay and transgender kids in that situation. My advice is to forget about the afterlife. Decisions about how you treat other people shouldn't be based on your own happiness, eternity or no. Be religious if you want to be religious but you should try to be a good person independent of that.
Twelve: Does that mean you're not Christian?
Twenty-Four: It's complicated. Right now I'm just not really thinking about it. Like I said, it's tough to make big decisions when you think your immortal soul is on the line and you're worried about what your friends and family expect from you. All of that and more really stressed me out for a while so now I'm basically taking a break from thinking about it. The more it stressed me out and then the less I thought about it the more I gravitated towards Superman. He's like God, but with way less baggage. That's why the neck snapping thing really gets to me. It brought up some of that stress and anger. If that was the point I guess it was technically successful but I don't think it was and either way I don't have to like it.
Twelve: You've said a lot about Superman but what about the Batman in this movie?
Twenty-Four: Actually, I was always on board for Ben Affleck to play Batman, at least as much as you can be on board for a detail of a movie that you have no intention of ever seeing.
Twelve: Well, I think I'm going to leave. You've given me a lot to think about considering I'm twelve and you turned a conversation about a dumb superhero movie into a reflection on your life and religion and philosophy.
Twenty-Four: Yeah, I maybe should have just stuck with the movie.
Twelve: Any more advice? He asked as if he was in any position to give advice.
Twenty-Four: Better not, I don't know how any of this is going to affect the time stream.
Twelve: Dude, none of this is real. Live a little.
Twenty-Four: OK. Let me think. Got it. I have two pieces of advice that are both Seinfeld related. 1. Start watching Seinfeld right away. 2. Always do the opposite of what you think you should do.
Twelve: What does that have to do with Seinfeld?
Twenty-Four: Watch it and find out, dork. Oh, and don't put too much faith in Bill Cosby, or any faith at all really.
Twelve: Great. Who can I put my faith in?
Twenty-Four: Yourself.
Twelve: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Twenty-Four: Ha ha ha but really though.
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