It's the Friday after Thanksgiving and I'm feeling especially lazy so I'm skipping the blog post today. Instead you should just watch the new Star Wars trailer and say "what?" a bunch of times like I did.
For instance, at the beginning where... you know what, why don't I just tell you the
Three Best Places to Say "What?" in the New Star Wars Trailer
1. The Very First Shot
The trailer spends the first ten out of its 90 seconds on a blank screen then 10 more of an empty desert before a helmetless storm trooper pops up out of the bottom. That's the first time when I was like "what?" I mean, this sweaty guy just comes out of nowhere then he turns around and walks away. Like, "what?" Is this Star Wars or "Meerkat Manor." What?"
2. The Lightsaber Crossguard
A little after the storm trooper walks away a Sith shows up also walking away from the camera. They proceed to activate their lightsaber which has two tiny lightsabers coming from the top of the hilt at right angles from the main lightsaber.
Full disclosure: when I first saw it I said "whoa!" but after a short time I said "what?" I guess it could be efficient but an actual swordmaker doesn't seem to think so.
3. The Spacecrafts
The weird lightsaber is sandwiched between some air battles, which seem to be comprised entirely of ships that look exactly like the ones in the original trilogy; X-Wings, Tie Fighters, and the Millenium Falcon of course.
What? A society that has lightsabers and lightspeed and artificial intelligence hasn't advanced it's space travel in several decades? What?
When most people think of Disney they tend to think of fairy tales and princesses; they think of animated movies that are both critically acclaimed and beloved by children and adults alike. Those movies are where ABC's "Once Upon A Time" has drawn most of it's material. However, Disney is so much more than that. Disney is such a massive corporation they could probably get an entire new show just from its employees' urinal small talk. I can understand wanting to focus only on the very best of a person or thing. As I write this I have a tab opened where I Googled "magic spell to make me forget all this Bill Cosby mess."
Zippity Bippity Roofitie Boop
I just think that if "Once" opened up its scope a little bit the show could go in a new and much more exciting direction. The show has already reached outside of the world of fairy tales with characters like Dr. Frankenstein showing up in the town of Storybrooke so what's stopping a slapsticky oracle named Raven Baxter from moving in.
Dog With a Blog
One of Disney's greatest recurring elements is the talking dog, which has been tragically absent thus far on "Once." There have been a couple of references to Pongo from 101 Dalmatians but he's never spoken. The only talking animal worth noting is Jiminy Cricket in a handful of flashbacks. Fortunately there are plenty of possibilities to choose from; Doug from Up, lady or the tramp from Lady and The Tramp, or the jazzy cats from The Aristocats. Any of those would be welcome additions but what Storybrooke really needs is someone to bring it into the 21st century. Who better than a tech savvy canine with a wit as sharp as his teeth and the magical ability to type with paws? Enter Stan, the titular blogging dog of the hit Disney Channel show "Dog With a Blog." If Regina "Evil Queen" Mills really wants to change her reputation she needs someone who understands social media promotion and search engine optimization. If anyone needs a wisecracking furry friend it's Regina's son Henry, who appears to be the only person under 25 in the entire town and is best friends with his centuries old grandpa, a slightly less centuries old pirate who is dating his mom and wants to kill his grandpa, and maybe a dwarf.
Who's a good social media guru? You're a good social media guru!
Blackbeard from Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
On Stranger Tides might be the lowest rated Pirates movie on Rotten Tomatoes but it has at least one thing in its favor: Ian McShane playing the Blackbeardiest Blackbeard that ever Blackbearded. Blackbeard is best known for two things, having a beard and being scary, both things McShane's portrayal has in spades. If I were to describe Blackbeard in three words they would be bearded, scary, and scarybearded. That last one probably sounds like I just smushed the first two together to humorously emphasize his scariness and beardedness, but I was also referring to the legend that Blackbeard would put flaming ropes in his beard and hair to make himself look more frightening.
In contrast, the Blackbeard played by Charles Mesure on "Once" in two episodes of season three is for sure the least Blackbeardy Blackbeard that ever Blackbearded.
There are five year olds with bigger beards.
He barely has a beard at all. He definitely couldn't fit any ropes in there. Admittedly, he looks a little creepy but no one is going to take him seriously if he keeps calling himself Blackbeard while sporting the whiskers of a literal cat. It's possible that Mesure could return with a much bigger beard, perhaps a prosthetic, but it would be worth it to just go the extra mile and get Ian McShane. Beard aside, there are few actors more consistently intimidating and even less that were also in Kung Fu Panda.
Walt Disney's Frozen Head
I'm not usually big on fan theories but hear me out. The current season of "Once Upon a Time" has involved an as yet unseen powerful sorcerer. This sorcerer is almost certainly the same one from the Fantasia segment "The Sorcerer's Apprentice." That character's name is Yen Sid, and according to the most reliable source I could find he was based on Walt Disney himself. It isn't much of a stretch considering Yen Sid is Disney spelled backwards. This season also introduced two new characters who happen to have magic ice superpowers. Walt Disney + Ice = Cryogenically Frozen Head. I cracked the code.
What's more, with so much build up around Yen Sid they can't just have a frozen head. Hopefully, that head will be in a "Futurama" style jar and it will talk. If you're really feeling optimistic, keep in mind that the actor who most recently played Walt Disney on the bigscreen is Tom Hanks in Saving Mr. Banks. There has been a lot of talk on the show of immense power, but if "Once Upon a Time" can get Tom Hanks to play Walt Disney's talking cryogenically frozen head nothing could stop it. People would say "Sure, 'The Wire' is good, but does it have Tom Hanks playing Walt Disney's talking cryogenically frozen head?" and "'Breaking Bad,' more like 'Breaking Absence of Tom Hanks Playing Walt Disney's Cryogenically Frozen Head Bad.'"
The scarf's a good call.
You're gonna want to bundle up.
I, like many writers of lists, have made one about TV shows that were cancelled too soon. There are some shows that are a given for such lists like Firefly or Freaks and Geeks, the latter of which was on my list. Other shows like Better Off Ted, (also one of mine) are common inclusions but don't have the same cult following. Then there are these three, two shows too obscure for most listmakers and one that has just recently been canceled but could make the cut in the future.
The Middleman
In 2006 ABC Family had some modest success with Kyle XY, a sci-fi mystery entirely about a teenager with no bellybutton that had three seasons. In 2008 they added another sci-fi series: The Middleman. This show was a comedy that built on countless sci-fi tropes. It centered on a young artist named Wendy Watson as she became the apprentice to the titular hero, a man of mystery who fights evil with the help of a sassy robot and an anonymous benefactor. Kyle XY got three seasons off of the absence of bellybutton while The Middleman's first episode was the first and last appearance of a mad scientist with an army of apes who were really into gangster movies. From there the show only got weirder, with zombie fish, vampire puppets, and a cursed tuba until it was cancelled after only one season. The series was based on a comic book and was strongly influenced by the medium, so it is fitting that the plot has continued in the form of comics. The creator Javier Grillo-Marxuach has written a comic based on the planned but unfilmed final episode and another in which the comic book Middleman meets the TV Middleman.
Kings
For some reason there aren't a lot of TV shows that are modernized versions of Biblical events. Leftovers is kind of rapture-y but aside from that it's pretty much just Kings, which focuses on David, as in "and Goliath." However, the Goliath story is just the beginning. In the first episode the young soldier David singlehandedly takes down a tank, in the process saving King "Not Saul" Silas' son. David moves to the capital and becomes intertwined in politics as the the king grows threatened by David. Kings only had one season due to divided reception and despite a good cast, including the always intimidating Ian McShane as King Silas and the then unknown Sebastian Stan as his son.
Selfie
This year network television bet a lot on romantic comedies. Out of the half dozen or so new sitromcoms the one with the most promise was Selfie. For some reason ABC has lost faith in the Pride and Prejudice adaptation and canceled it before all the episodes have aired despite or perhaps because of its stellar cast. By that I mean that both leads, Karen Gillan and John Cho, are terrific actors, but they are also blockbuster stars with roles in major sci-fi franchises. I can only imagine the strain their paychecks put on the show's fate. The actors aren't the only people on the series with impressive IMDB pages. It was created by Emily Kapnek, who was also behind Suburgatory and Nickelodeon semi-classic As Told By Ginger. Admittedly, Selfie isn't perfect. It has a bit of a "Snapchat is the end of civilization" vibe but it's definitely better than Manhattan Love Story and it's still,,, oh it's cancelled too? What about A to Z? Well, it's not better than Marry Me. Close, but not quite. Casey Wilson is just so great.
This week Arrow's breakout character Felicity Smoak finally got her time in the spotlight. Emily Bett Rickards turned in another great performance as her character's backstory was expanded through flashbacks and her past comes back to haunt her. For two seasons she has deftly transcended the role of exposition delivering tech expert and swiftly became the moral center of the show. All despite being originally intended as a recurring character and one based on an obscure comic book figure at that. And not the fun, cult classic, Guardians of the Galaxy kind of obscure either. Just a straight up little known character that no one cared about.
Smoak's trajectory from recurring role to major player is a familiar one. It's kind of the television equivalent of the rags to riches rock star or the mailroom to corner office bureaucrat. The two most famous examples come from sitcoms about midwestern working class families, a world wildly different from the dark Starling City of Arrow. In the 70's the dangerously cool biker Fonzie became the centerpiece of Happy Days, quickly overshadowing the wholesome Cunninghams. In the 90's the Winslows took a backseat to the absurdly geeky Steve Urkel in Family Matters.
Had to get this in somewhere, might as well be now.
Although it's unlikely that Felicity Smoak will take Oliver Queen's spotlight permanently, there is no denying that she has struck a chord with fans. Her awkward humor and fan-girlish crush on her billionaire hunk boss (a trait that has been phased out in favor of genuine romantic potential), make her feel very grounded and relatable, while her intelligence, courage, and unshakable moral compass make her likable, even inspiring. In some ways she's more heroic than any of her masked combatant peers who rely on her computer expertise.
Felicity's place in the Fonzie/Urkel paradigm is representative of our culture at large. You probably know that nerds are cool now unless you've been living under a rock, but even then it's unlikely since Chris Hardwick has spent the past three years overturning every rock on the planet to host panels on the topic with single celled organisms so even they are aware of how well he's doing. Forty years ago Chris Hardwick would have peed his pants if someone like Fonzie looked at him with mild annoyance. Fonzie was bold and effortlessly cool. He was superior in every way to the straightlaced dorks like Richie Cunningham and they both knew it. Less than twenty years later Steve Urkel was born as an exaggerated nerd stereotype, smart but socially inept. He may have been the star of the show, but he was still the butt of everyone's jokes.
Felicity is nerdy in her brilliance and tendency to say the wrong thing, but she's also capable and known to say the right thing when it most needs to be said. She's as much a person of her principles as the square Cunningham, but she's respected for it. Her almost supernatural skills as a hacker and confidence in her own abilities put Felicity closer to Fonzie than Steve Urkel or Richie Cunningham. Nevermind what Chris Hardwick says, Felicity's nerdiness doesn't make her better than her muscle bound companions, she is simply their equal regardless (not despite) of it.
This week Arrow showed the world the person Felicity Smoak used to be. We saw her dark hair, questionable morals, and bad taste in men. We saw her looking eerily like the embodiment of death and couldn't look away.
More importantly, the week before this one The Flash gave us a glimpse of the person Felicity Smoak will be. We see her meeting Harrison Wells, who apparently is from the future. We see him beaming with excitement to meet her and reciting her resume like he's on an Aaron Sorkin show. We see that even with all the great things Felicity has done, she is still destined for greatness.
