Three Disney Characters That Should Be in 'Once Upon A Time'

When most people think of Disney they tend to think of fairy tales and princesses; they think of animated movies that are both critically acclaimed and beloved by children and adults alike.  Those movies are where ABC's "Once Upon A Time" has drawn most of it's material.  However, Disney is so much more than that.  Disney is such a massive corporation they could probably get an entire new show just from its employees' urinal small talk.  I can understand wanting to focus only on the very best of a person or thing.  As I write this I have a tab opened where I Googled "magic spell to make me forget all this Bill Cosby mess."

Zippity Bippity Roofitie Boop

I just think that if "Once" opened up its scope a little bit the show could go in a new and much more exciting direction.  The show has already reached outside of the world of fairy tales with characters like Dr. Frankenstein showing up in the town of Storybrooke so what's stopping a slapsticky oracle named Raven Baxter from moving in.

Dog With a Blog

One of Disney's greatest recurring elements is the talking dog, which has been tragically absent thus far on "Once."  There have been a couple of references to Pongo from 101 Dalmatians but he's never spoken.  The only talking animal worth noting is Jiminy Cricket in a handful of flashbacks.  Fortunately there are plenty of possibilities to choose from; Doug from Up, lady or the tramp from Lady and The Tramp, or the jazzy cats from The Aristocats.  Any of those would be welcome additions but what Storybrooke really needs is someone to bring it into the 21st century.  Who better than a tech savvy canine with a wit as sharp as his teeth and the magical ability to type with paws?  Enter Stan, the titular blogging dog of the hit Disney Channel show "Dog With a Blog."  If Regina "Evil Queen" Mills really wants to change her reputation she needs someone who understands social media promotion and search engine optimization.  If anyone needs a wisecracking furry friend it's Regina's son Henry, who appears to be the only person under 25 in the entire town and is best friends with his centuries old grandpa, a slightly less centuries old pirate who is dating his mom and wants to kill his grandpa, and maybe a dwarf.

Who's a good social media guru?  You're a good social media guru!

Blackbeard from Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

On Stranger Tides might be the lowest rated Pirates movie on Rotten Tomatoes but it has at least one thing in its favor: Ian McShane playing the Blackbeardiest Blackbeard that ever Blackbearded.  Blackbeard is best known for two things, having a beard and being scary, both things McShane's portrayal has in spades.  If I were to describe Blackbeard in three words they would be bearded, scary, and scarybearded.  That last one probably sounds like I just smushed the first two together to humorously emphasize his scariness and beardedness, but I was also referring to the legend that Blackbeard would put flaming ropes in his beard and hair to make himself look more frightening.

In contrast, the Blackbeard played by Charles Mesure on "Once" in two episodes of season three is for sure the least Blackbeardy Blackbeard that ever Blackbearded.

There are five year olds with bigger beards.

He barely has a beard at all.  He definitely couldn't fit any ropes in there.  Admittedly, he looks a little creepy but no one is going to take him seriously if he keeps calling himself Blackbeard while sporting the whiskers of a literal cat.  It's possible that Mesure could return with a much bigger beard, perhaps a prosthetic, but it would be worth it to just go the extra mile and get Ian McShane.  Beard aside, there are few actors more consistently intimidating and even less that were also in Kung Fu Panda.

Walt Disney's Frozen Head

I'm not usually big on fan theories but hear me out.  The current season of "Once Upon a Time" has involved an as yet unseen powerful sorcerer.  This sorcerer is almost certainly the same one from the Fantasia segment "The Sorcerer's Apprentice."  That character's name is Yen Sid, and according to the most reliable source I could find he was based on Walt Disney himself.  It isn't much of a stretch considering Yen Sid is Disney spelled backwards.  This season also introduced two new characters who happen to have magic ice superpowers.  Walt Disney + Ice = Cryogenically Frozen Head.  I cracked the code.

What's more, with so much build up around Yen Sid they can't just have a frozen head.  Hopefully, that head will be in a "Futurama" style jar and it will talk.  If you're really feeling optimistic, keep in mind that the actor who most recently played Walt Disney on the bigscreen is Tom Hanks in Saving Mr. Banks.  There has been a lot of talk on the show of immense power, but if "Once Upon a Time" can get Tom Hanks to play Walt Disney's talking cryogenically frozen head nothing could stop it.  People would say "Sure, 'The Wire' is good, but does it have Tom Hanks playing Walt Disney's talking cryogenically frozen head?" and "'Breaking Bad,' more like 'Breaking Absence of Tom Hanks Playing Walt Disney's Cryogenically Frozen Head Bad.'"

The scarf's a good call.
You're gonna want to bundle up.