How White People See The "I Have a Dream" Speech

ABC

"Free at last" he said.  The people were cheering, but it was quiet somehow.  As if all the sound and all other energy was being drawn towards Doctor King.

"Free at last."  The light surrounding the Lincoln Memorial dimmed while the minister himself shined brighter than ever.

"Thank God Almighty we are free at last."  With these words Martin looked to the sky as a beam of light fell upon him from the heavens.  He slowly rose off the stage floor and began to hover.  He spread out his arms and opened his hands wide.  Suddenly, pure energy burst from his mouth, eyes, and all ten fingers.  The beams went on for what seemed like miles until every single person present for the March on Washington was within their reach.  Then the beams grew in width, creating a dome, with everyone inside bathed in the glory of God.  A disembodied voice sang out a single note.  Soon the entire angelic choir joined in.  The song that followed would be compared to "Let's Groove," released almost twenty years later by Earth, Wind and Fire, a group no doubt possessing a divine influence.

The dome spread out rapidly, enveloping the continental United States within minutes.  As it reached each person, all of their race based hatred was purged out of them.  Klan members threw out their hoods for good.  The signs over water fountains disappeared without a trace.  Before long the entire planet basked in the warm glow of harmony and understanding.  Russian astronauts later bashfully admitted to enjoying the infectious disco rhythms from space.  The power of Dr. King's words wasn't confined even by the laws of time.  It reached to 1936, motivating Jesse Owens to win three more gold medals, to 1995 to make Aisha Tyler the seventh friend on Friends from season 2 through season 13, and causing millennials to know who Chuck Berry is without relying on Marty McFly as a point of reference.

Unfortunately, the miraculous event had an unfortunate side effect.  While it turned white people into perfect, race-blind angels, much of the black population was turned into a type of succubi who feed on the guilt of the innocent.  They insisted that racism was still a problem even fifty years after Martin Luther King erased all traces of it on that sacred day.  They denied white people of certain words even though they seemed really, really fun to say.  Inevitably, the wide eyed and cherubic white people would give in to the insurmountable temptation, at which point the black people would accuse them of using "slurs."

Obviously, these were simply ploys to draw strength from their good hearted prey.  Doing so increased the black people's supernatural abilities, making them excellent at sports, dancing, dodging bullets, and killing white people from several yards away.  For the most part the black people kept the latter two abilities hidden from naive and trusting white people, but once in a while one would throw caution to the wind and taunt a heroically armed caucasian.  If the white person got lucky enough to shoot the assailant, narrowly escaping his own death, he would of course be found innocent by a court of law.  However, other black people would use the whole event as an opportunity to bring up racism again and fuel white guilt, making themselves stronger.

Through it all only a few, exceptionally wise, white people thought to ask "why do you keep bringing up race?  We know we're all the same, but you claim to be treated differently.  Why are you different from us in that way?  Is it possible that racism truly does still exist?"  The answer is, of course, that it makes more sense that Martin Luther King, Jr. magically changed the course of history to help Aisha Tyler's career than that white people know less about racism than black people.