Questions from President Obama

Next Thursday three YouTubers will go to the White House to interview President Barack Obama.  I was not invited because I am not a vlogger, but a humble blogger.  However, my Internet fame is rapidly rising since last week so I can only assume that it is just a matter of time before I am given the same opportunity.  When that day comes I'm sure I will rack my brain to come up with the perfect questions but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.  Right now I'm more interested in flipping the script.  I'm thinking outside the box.  I'm wondering what the POTUS would ask me, the POTER.  (President Of Thinking Empire Rules [after the second episode{of course, when I do interview the President my first question will be "why didn't you cut Hakeem some slack in the second episode of Empire?  You can't blame him for getting a little crazy when he was mourning Bunkie}])  Here is the President interviewing me as I imagine it.

That language was totally uncalled for.

President Obama: So, tell me a little about yourself Brian.

Brian (that's me):  What?  No.  I'm not unemployed and living with my parents.  Your intel is off on that one Barry.  Looks like the NSA needs to step up their game.  Can I call you Barry?

Barry: No.

Brian: Alright, you got me.  But that "no job" thing is on you.  Gotta bring that unemployment up.

Barry: I think you mean down.

Brian:  Up, down, left, right.  Enough of all this party politics.

Barry: As a matter fact, unemployment has gone down dramatically since I took office.  Why don't you let me see your resume and I could punch it up for you.

Brian: Yeah, I actually brought it with me in case you wanted to hire me as your body man then we could form this "father-son Bartlett-Charlie in The West Wing" relationship.

Papa Obama: Right off the bat I can tell you that under "special skills" you should have put literally anything other than "making sweet pop culture references" and under experience a paperclipped playing card on which you wrote "killing a man with this".

Brian: Well, not that one exactly.  It was a 5 of hearts, and he had it coming.  He said Gambit was the worst X-Man.

Papa Obama:  Why don't we table the resume for now?  You're here so I can get to know a normal American citizen.  Tell me about yourself.  What do you do when you're not writing your excellent blog.  Do you go on dates?

Brian: Beyonce.

Papa Obama:  I'm sorry, you go on dates with Beyonce?  You know she's married right.

Brian:  Right, not that Beyonce.  Beyonce YonceBe.  You wouldn't know her.  She's the president of Canada.  We met when she undid the curse that made me eat people.

Papa Obama:  Whatever.  Let's talk about some of the issues young Americans like yourself are concerned about.  How do you feel about gay rights?

Brian:  I love gay dudes.  More women for me, am I right, Barack Attack?

Barack Attack: Don't call me that.

Brian: I wasn't crazy about that one either.

Brobama: Do you have any other thoughts on gay marriage besides that dumb joke?

Brian:  Don't you think that if women can marry women and men can marry men next thing you know people will be marrying chairs?

Brobama: That's definitely not going to happen.

Brian:  What about one of those domestic partnership things?

Brobama: Sure, why not.

Brian:  Excuse me, I have to make a call. Beyonce, I have good news.

Beyonce YonceBe: My friend Michelle can marry Chairack?

Brian:  No, the domestic partnership thing.

Beyonce YonceBe:  That's great.  Michelle, Chairack, it's good news.

Brian:  You just made a man and his chair very happy.  You know, people have been marrying their chairs for years in Canada.

Brobama: Let's just move on.  What do you think about abortion.

Brian: Pass.

Brobama: What?

Brian: I don't know how to make that funny.  Pass.

Babykiller:  You can try.

Brian:  You see?

Woman's Baright to Choose:  Try it the other way.

Brian:  The problem is we're both men.  We need a female voice on this issue.  If only women were funny.

Buzzkill Obama:  I think we can just skip feminism all together.  I've got a few more questions but maybe we should just call it a day.

Brian:  Wait, I have thoughts on foreign affairs.

Buzzkill Obama:  The Secret Service will escort you out.

Professor Brian J. SmartGuy:  We should go to war with Canada, Buz... I mean Mr. President.

Whew, That Was a Close One:  By "out" I mean "to Immigration so they can shave your head and send you to North Korea so you can be their problem."

Guy Who Looks Nothing Like Seth Rogen With or Without Gentile Fluff: Noooo, do you even read my blog?  Kim will tear me apart.

Bajerk Obummer:  No I don't, but my body man Bryan with a Y did and he said it sucks.  He's more son to me than you'll ever be.

Twenty Years Later

Brian YonceBe:  ... So I started a new career in North Korea as a Seth Rogen impersonator for people to throw things at.  After America went to war with Canada your mother fled here and we lived happily ever after.

Chairack YonceBe:  Come on Dad, we know you just told us this story so we'd give you permission to date Aunt Robin.

Brian YonceBe:  Don't be ridiculous Chairry, that would be an awful way to end the story.  Besides your mother is still alive.

My Favorite Son:  Your references really are sweet Dad.