Farewell to 'The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson'

Tonight, at 12:30 am, Craig Ferguson will sign off the Late Late Show for the last time.  I started watching the show in 2009.  I was going into my senior year of high school and Craig had been hosting for about four years.  Somehow I feel like I've been there since day one, and at the same time that it's been there my whole life.  I imagine this is because of the old adage about growing older, that the more things change the more they stay the same.  Arghh.

I'm having a bit of a quarter-life crisis and
I want to talk like an old sea captain.
Please let me have this.

When I first started watching Craig Ferguson a staple of his show was hand puppetry.  Many a cold open starred the Cajun crocodile named Wavy Rancheros, Sid the profane bunny, or Gustave Flaubert the pig who shares a contempt for the bourgeoisie with the human Gustave who I still know nothing about five years later.

Eh, the pig is more interesting.

The puppets were such an integral part of the show that they took it over for the 1,000th episode while Craig was nowhere to be seen.  Now it's the puppets that are out of sight, in their place is the robot skeleton Geoff Peterson and a horse that isn't a real horse.  Of course, some things have stayed the same.  It's still a good day for America and a cat still dies but not really before we recap what we learned, althoug in my humble opinion a new picture of Paul McCartney couldn't have hurt.

Perhaps a more glamorous image of
the music icon is in order.

Few, if any, talk shows could make such major changes without losing the spirit of the show, but the Late Late Show is not like any other late night show.  It could be whatever Craig wanted it to be because the appeal was that he was making it all up as he went along.  The stage was his white void, where he could build the universe the way he wanted unless the malicious cartoonist of a censor didn't like it.  Now that vast emptiness is closing in on itself and Craig is moving on to a new adventure: he and Geoff are going to walk the earth and solve crimes.  Or he's going to start a new show that will be basically the same as the old one.

What I Learned as a New Fan of Westerns

I consider myself something of a film buff.  I’m not an expert by any means but I did watch Citizen Kane once just for kicks and giggles and I plan to do it again.  There are a few areas where my knowledge of the medium is pretty lacking.  One of those areas is Westerns, so I recently decided to brush up on the genre.  In the past month I've seen about nine Westerns, which is approximately thrice as many as I'd seen before unless you count each of the twelve times I've seen Blazing Saddles.  Actually, Blazing Saddles was part of why I avoided the genre for so long.  I thought knowledge of all the cliches was enough.  Lone gunman strolls into town, he stares down the antagonist, shoots him, then rides into the sunset.  What else is there to know?  I was only a few movies in before I realized that most of what I thought about Westerns was wrong.

I was mostly surprised by the absence of cliches, especially cowboys.  I thought cowboys would make up the majority of Western protagonists, but out of the ones I've seen there's only been one and he was just one magnificent seventh of the Magnificent Seven.  The only other movie I've seen where cowboys play a major role is Tombstone, and in that case Cowboys isn't their job but the name of their gang.  However, Tombstone has something else I  mistakenly assumed I'd see a lot of in Westerns: Sam Elliott.  Everything about Sam Elliott indicates that he should be in Westerns but in a cruel twist of fate he began his acting career just as the genre was on its way out.  His first film role was as an unnamed gambler in the classic Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid in 1969.  Elliott has been in a handful of Westerns but mostly he's been relegated by the powers that be to play Marlboro Man type characters in bowling alleys with his head on fire.

Oh, they're not the same movie.  Sorry, was that not clear?

One of the biggest reasons I was hesitant to take an interest in Westerns was because they were famously racist towards Native Americans.  They were typically portrayed as violent savages.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that Native Americans play little to no role in most of the movies that I've seen.  The only exception is The Searchers, which is actually a complicated examination of racism by two of the most famous perpetrators of that racism; John Wayne and director John Ford.  Admittedly, the Comanche in the film aren't portrayed in the best light, but by the end it's clear that the hatred for them held by Wayne's character is far more dangerous than they are.  It's also mentioned that the Comanche are motivated by revenge for the deeds done by white men, indicating that violence is a vicious circle and both sides are at fault.  However, it's worth mentioning that one side hated with guns and the other hated with bows and arrows.

Another interesting side effect is that once I started watching Westerns I could see their influence everywhere.  I had heard that Quentin Tarantino took a few pages out of Sergio Leone's book, but after a single viewing of Once Upon a Time in The West I realized that Tarantino took all of the pages, the binding, the cover, and the flap.  I knew that a lot of The Walking Dead was inspired by Westerns, but during the midseason finale I was more surprised to see a scene that wasn't Western influenced.  It occurred to me that it was more of a Western with zombies than a zombie show with Western influence.  And speaking of Sergio Leone and television, a little more Western wouldn't hurt Once Upon a Time.  How about a little live-action Sheriff Woody?  It's not like they've got the guts to cast Tom Hanks as a decapitated head anyway.

"Parks and Recreation" and the History of Television

This week the premiere date for the last season of Parks and Recreation was announced for January thirteenth.  For the following 6 weeks two episodes of Parks will air back to back on Tuesdays, squeezing the twelfth episode seventh and final chapter of the saga of Leslie Knope into just over a month.  After all, why should NBC prolong the life of its only good remaining comedy series that isn't on in the middle of the night.  Only a few years ago Parks was only a small part of the network's then underperforming yet monumental and game changing block of comedies including 30 Rock and The Office.  The only other survivor is Community, which will not air its sixth, and also likely final, season on TV at all.  Instead the college comedy will continue on Yahoo! Screen.

In a way it's fitting that Community and Parks are the only remainders of that renaissance because both pay tribute to the great television of the past in their own ways.  Community wears its pop culture references on its sleeves with entire themed episodes that honor TV genres like the police procedural and the 80's cartoon, along with a myriad of movie genres.

Conversely, Parks is much more subtle with its TV homages.  So subtle that they're barely there at all and maybe I'm just overthinking this, but what do you want for nothing?  The series with the most overt influence is The West Wing (also on NBC).  Actually, Parks and Recreation may be the only political show worthy of being compared to Aaron Sorkin's presidential epic, just as Leslie Knope is one of the few television characters with as much inherent goodness and capacity to inspire as The West Wing's hero Jed Bartlet.  Parks has been known to cast actors who have appeared on The West Wing, the most notable being Rob Lowe, who starred as Sam Seaborn in the first four seasons of West Wing and was introduced as Chris Traeger in the second season of Parks.  Unfortunately Lowe will only make a guest appearance in the final season as  he's too busy taking commercial jobs where he thinks he's making fun of himself but he's actually just proposing tragic possible universes where he's anything other than spectacular.  Lowe's West Wing co-star Bradley Whitford also appeared in a season 4 episode of the Parks.  Other actors to appear in both shows include John Larroquette, J.K. Simmons, and Ron Swanson himself, Nick Offerman.

Hurry! The opportunity for a Sorkin-walk-and-talk
reference is getting away!

On the other hand, there aren't a lot of actors alive now who weren't on The West Wing.  What's more important is the similarities in character and their development.  As previously mentioned, both shows' respective leads are goodhearted people who earn the respect and admiration of those around them with their moral fortitude.  Of course, there couldn't be much of a show if the protagonists never had their beliefs challenged.  As Leslie climbs the political ladder of Pawnee, Indiana she is forced to make compromises much like Jed did throughout his dual terms in the Oval Office.  However, both characters use their savvy and integrity to make the most out of such difficult situations.  For example, in their respective sixth seasons both Leslie and Jed make big decisions in foreign affairs.  Leslie leads the charge for Pawnee to absorb its rival Eagleton when it goes bankrupt while Jed makes a monumental peace treaty with Israel and Palestine.

Of course, Parks and Rec is a comedy, not a drama like The West Wing, and as such it also draws from some of the great comedies of television past.  Much of sitcom history can be found in Jerry Gergich, the local punching bag.  Although Jerry is scorned by the other character on Parks, the writers seem to love him and have given him an entirely pleasant home life comparable to the wholesome world of Leave It to Beaver.  Jerry's blissful circumstance includes a wife who, as has been mentioned several times on the show, is much more attractive than he is; a trope as old as the sitcom itself, dating back to The Honeymooners.

Another standard sitcom relationship is the "opposites attract," most famously seen in Sam and Diane from Cheers.  The dynamic between Sam, a working class playboy, and Diane, a self righteous  intellectual grows from mutual animosity to something resembling love.  Similarly, when Ben Wyatt enters Pawnee as a budget specialist his callous approach to government immediately infuriates the passionate Leslie.  Over time their relationship becomes the second most beautiful on the show, the first being April Ludgate and Andy Dwyer.  April and Andy began the series not as foes but as friends, however, their differences are far more pronounced than that of Ben and Leslie, and perhaps even Sam and Diane.  Andy is an endearing goofball with a heart of gold and April is an aloof nihilist.  Their marriage is one few fans would have predicted in season one but most found to be a surprisingly perfect fit.

As sad as it is to see Parks and Rec go, it isn't the end of the world.  It isn't even the end of the network sitcom.  No, that was in 1999 you silly goose.  Sure, it would be great if NBC's "Must See TV" would come back along with ABC's "TGIF" and "my respect and admiration for Bill Cosby," but those things are gone.  Girl Meets World isn't getting any better and I'm a fool to get my hopes up for Shawn and Cory's reunion tonight.  Instead we have Brooklyn 99 and Broad City and BoJack Horseman and too many other great comedies to count.  Besides, if history is any indication, NBC is only a few years away from another revival.  If there's anything to be learned from this it's that NBC is the John Travolta of network prime time sitcom programming blocks.  Hey, here's an idea, Welcome Back Kotter reboot.

No New Post

It's the Friday after Thanksgiving and I'm feeling especially lazy so I'm skipping the blog post today.  Instead you should just watch the new Star Wars trailer and say "what?" a bunch of times like I did.

For instance, at the beginning where... you know what, why don't I just tell you the 

Three Best Places to Say "What?" in the New Star Wars Trailer

1. The Very First Shot

The trailer spends the first ten out of its 90 seconds on a blank screen then 10 more of an empty desert before a helmetless storm trooper pops up out of the bottom.  That's the first time when I was like "what?"  I mean, this sweaty guy just comes out of nowhere then he turns around and walks away.  Like, "what?"  Is this Star Wars or "Meerkat Manor."  What?"

2. The Lightsaber Crossguard

A little after the storm trooper walks away a Sith shows up also walking away from the camera.  They proceed to activate their lightsaber which has two tiny lightsabers coming from the top of the hilt at right angles from the main lightsaber.

  Full disclosure: when I first saw it I said "whoa!" but after a short time I said "what?"  I guess it could be efficient but an actual swordmaker doesn't seem to think so.

3. The Spacecrafts

The weird lightsaber is sandwiched between some air battles, which seem to be comprised entirely of ships that look exactly like the ones in the original trilogy; X-Wings, Tie Fighters, and the Millenium Falcon of course.  

What?  A society that has lightsabers and lightspeed and artificial intelligence hasn't advanced it's space travel in several decades?  What?

Three Disney Characters That Should Be in 'Once Upon A Time'

When most people think of Disney they tend to think of fairy tales and princesses; they think of animated movies that are both critically acclaimed and beloved by children and adults alike.  Those movies are where ABC's "Once Upon A Time" has drawn most of it's material.  However, Disney is so much more than that.  Disney is such a massive corporation they could probably get an entire new show just from its employees' urinal small talk.  I can understand wanting to focus only on the very best of a person or thing.  As I write this I have a tab opened where I Googled "magic spell to make me forget all this Bill Cosby mess."

Zippity Bippity Roofitie Boop

I just think that if "Once" opened up its scope a little bit the show could go in a new and much more exciting direction.  The show has already reached outside of the world of fairy tales with characters like Dr. Frankenstein showing up in the town of Storybrooke so what's stopping a slapsticky oracle named Raven Baxter from moving in.

Dog With a Blog

One of Disney's greatest recurring elements is the talking dog, which has been tragically absent thus far on "Once."  There have been a couple of references to Pongo from 101 Dalmatians but he's never spoken.  The only talking animal worth noting is Jiminy Cricket in a handful of flashbacks.  Fortunately there are plenty of possibilities to choose from; Doug from Up, lady or the tramp from Lady and The Tramp, or the jazzy cats from The Aristocats.  Any of those would be welcome additions but what Storybrooke really needs is someone to bring it into the 21st century.  Who better than a tech savvy canine with a wit as sharp as his teeth and the magical ability to type with paws?  Enter Stan, the titular blogging dog of the hit Disney Channel show "Dog With a Blog."  If Regina "Evil Queen" Mills really wants to change her reputation she needs someone who understands social media promotion and search engine optimization.  If anyone needs a wisecracking furry friend it's Regina's son Henry, who appears to be the only person under 25 in the entire town and is best friends with his centuries old grandpa, a slightly less centuries old pirate who is dating his mom and wants to kill his grandpa, and maybe a dwarf.

Who's a good social media guru?  You're a good social media guru!

Blackbeard from Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

On Stranger Tides might be the lowest rated Pirates movie on Rotten Tomatoes but it has at least one thing in its favor: Ian McShane playing the Blackbeardiest Blackbeard that ever Blackbearded.  Blackbeard is best known for two things, having a beard and being scary, both things McShane's portrayal has in spades.  If I were to describe Blackbeard in three words they would be bearded, scary, and scarybearded.  That last one probably sounds like I just smushed the first two together to humorously emphasize his scariness and beardedness, but I was also referring to the legend that Blackbeard would put flaming ropes in his beard and hair to make himself look more frightening.

In contrast, the Blackbeard played by Charles Mesure on "Once" in two episodes of season three is for sure the least Blackbeardy Blackbeard that ever Blackbearded.

There are five year olds with bigger beards.

He barely has a beard at all.  He definitely couldn't fit any ropes in there.  Admittedly, he looks a little creepy but no one is going to take him seriously if he keeps calling himself Blackbeard while sporting the whiskers of a literal cat.  It's possible that Mesure could return with a much bigger beard, perhaps a prosthetic, but it would be worth it to just go the extra mile and get Ian McShane.  Beard aside, there are few actors more consistently intimidating and even less that were also in Kung Fu Panda.

Walt Disney's Frozen Head

I'm not usually big on fan theories but hear me out.  The current season of "Once Upon a Time" has involved an as yet unseen powerful sorcerer.  This sorcerer is almost certainly the same one from the Fantasia segment "The Sorcerer's Apprentice."  That character's name is Yen Sid, and according to the most reliable source I could find he was based on Walt Disney himself.  It isn't much of a stretch considering Yen Sid is Disney spelled backwards.  This season also introduced two new characters who happen to have magic ice superpowers.  Walt Disney + Ice = Cryogenically Frozen Head.  I cracked the code.

What's more, with so much build up around Yen Sid they can't just have a frozen head.  Hopefully, that head will be in a "Futurama" style jar and it will talk.  If you're really feeling optimistic, keep in mind that the actor who most recently played Walt Disney on the bigscreen is Tom Hanks in Saving Mr. Banks.  There has been a lot of talk on the show of immense power, but if "Once Upon a Time" can get Tom Hanks to play Walt Disney's talking cryogenically frozen head nothing could stop it.  People would say "Sure, 'The Wire' is good, but does it have Tom Hanks playing Walt Disney's talking cryogenically frozen head?" and "'Breaking Bad,' more like 'Breaking Absence of Tom Hanks Playing Walt Disney's Cryogenically Frozen Head Bad.'"

The scarf's a good call.
You're gonna want to bundle up.

Three More TV Shows That Were Canceled Too Soon

I, like many writers of lists, have made one about TV shows that were cancelled too soon.  There are some shows that are a given for such lists like Firefly or Freaks and Geeks, the latter of which was on my list.  Other shows like Better Off Ted, (also one of mine) are common inclusions but don't have the same cult following.  Then there are these three, two shows too obscure for most listmakers and one that has just recently been canceled but could make the cut in the future.

The Middleman

In 2006 ABC Family had some modest success with Kyle XY, a sci-fi mystery entirely about a teenager with no bellybutton that had three seasons.  In 2008 they added another sci-fi series: The Middleman.  This show was a comedy that built on countless sci-fi tropes.  It centered on a young artist named Wendy Watson as she became the apprentice to the titular hero, a man of mystery who fights evil with the help of a sassy robot and an anonymous benefactor.  Kyle XY got three seasons off of the absence of bellybutton while The Middleman's first episode was the first and last appearance of a mad scientist with an army of apes who were really into gangster movies.  From there the show only got weirder, with zombie fish, vampire puppets, and a cursed tuba until it was cancelled after only one season.  The series was based on a comic book and was strongly influenced by the medium, so it is fitting that the plot has continued in the form of comics.  The creator Javier Grillo-Marxuach has written a comic based on the planned but unfilmed final episode and another in which the comic book Middleman meets the TV Middleman.

Kings

For some reason there aren't a lot of TV shows that are modernized versions of Biblical events.  Leftovers is kind of rapture-y but aside from that it's pretty much just Kings, which focuses on David, as in "and Goliath."  However, the Goliath story is just the beginning.  In the first episode the young soldier David singlehandedly takes down a tank, in the process saving King "Not Saul" Silas' son.  David moves to the capital and becomes intertwined in politics as the the king grows threatened by  David.  Kings only had one season due to divided reception and despite a good cast, including the always intimidating Ian McShane as King Silas and the then unknown Sebastian Stan as his son.

Selfie

This year network television bet a lot on romantic comedies.  Out of the half dozen or so new sitromcoms the one with the most promise was Selfie.  For some reason ABC has lost faith in the Pride and Prejudice adaptation and canceled it before all the episodes have aired despite or perhaps because of its stellar cast.  By  that I mean that both leads, Karen Gillan and John Cho, are terrific actors, but they are also blockbuster stars with roles in major sci-fi franchises.  I can only imagine the strain their paychecks put on the show's fate.  The actors aren't the only people on the series with impressive IMDB pages.  It was created by Emily Kapnek, who was also behind Suburgatory and Nickelodeon semi-classic As Told By Ginger.  Admittedly, Selfie isn't perfect.  It has a bit of a "Snapchat is the end of civilization" vibe but it's definitely better than Manhattan Love Story  and it's still,,, oh it's cancelled too?  What about A to Z?  Well, it's not better than Marry Me.  Close, but not quite.  Casey Wilson is just so great.

Felicity Smoak: The New Fonzie

This week Arrow's breakout character Felicity Smoak finally got her time in the spotlight.  Emily Bett Rickards turned in another great performance as her character's backstory was expanded through flashbacks and her past comes back to haunt her.  For two seasons she has deftly transcended the role of exposition delivering tech expert and swiftly became the moral center of the show.  All despite being originally intended as a recurring character and one based on an obscure comic book figure at that.  And not the fun, cult classic, Guardians of the Galaxy kind of obscure either.  Just a straight up little known character that no one cared about.

Smoak's trajectory from recurring role to major player is a familiar one.  It's kind of the television equivalent of the rags to riches rock star or the mailroom to corner office bureaucrat.  The two most famous examples come from sitcoms about midwestern working class families, a world wildly different from the dark Starling City of Arrow.  In the 70's the dangerously cool biker Fonzie became the centerpiece of Happy Days, quickly overshadowing the wholesome Cunninghams.  In the 90's the Winslows took a backseat to the absurdly geeky Steve Urkel in Family Matters.

Had to get this in somewhere, might as well be now.

Although it's unlikely that Felicity Smoak will take Oliver Queen's spotlight permanently, there is no denying that she has struck a chord with fans.  Her awkward humor and fan-girlish crush on her billionaire hunk boss (a trait that has been phased out in favor of genuine romantic potential), make her feel very grounded and relatable, while her intelligence, courage, and unshakable moral compass make her likable, even inspiring.  In some ways she's more heroic than any of her masked combatant peers who rely on her computer expertise.

Felicity's place in the Fonzie/Urkel paradigm is representative of our culture at large.  You probably know that nerds are cool now unless you've been living under a rock, but even then it's unlikely since Chris Hardwick has spent the past three years overturning every rock on the planet to host panels on the topic with single celled organisms so even they are aware of how well he's doing.  Forty years ago Chris Hardwick would have peed his pants if someone like Fonzie looked at him with mild annoyance.  Fonzie was bold and effortlessly cool.  He was superior in every way to the straightlaced dorks like Richie Cunningham and they both knew it.  Less than twenty years later Steve Urkel was born as an exaggerated nerd stereotype, smart but socially inept.  He may have been the star of the show, but he was still the butt of everyone's jokes.

Felicity is nerdy in her brilliance and tendency to say the wrong thing, but she's also capable and known to say the right thing when it most needs to be said.  She's as much a person of her principles as the square Cunningham, but she's respected for it.  Her almost supernatural skills as a hacker and confidence in her own abilities put Felicity closer to Fonzie than Steve Urkel or Richie Cunningham.  Nevermind what Chris Hardwick says, Felicity's nerdiness doesn't make her better than her muscle bound companions, she is simply their equal regardless (not despite) of it.

This week Arrow showed the world the person Felicity Smoak used to be.  We saw her dark hair, questionable morals, and bad taste in men.  We saw her looking eerily like the embodiment of death and couldn't look away.

x

More importantly, the week before this one The Flash gave us a glimpse of the person Felicity Smoak will be.  We see her meeting Harrison Wells, who apparently is from the future.  We see him beaming with excitement to meet her and reciting her resume like he's on an Aaron Sorkin show.  We see that even with all the great things Felicity has done, she is still destined for greatness.

The Upside of Being a Wendigo

Last week I got a little more negative than I like to.  I usually try to avoid putting down any movie and labeling it "bad" or worse; "so bad it shouldn't even exist."  I'm not going to apologize for what I wrote because I still believe Zack Snyder's Wonder Woman would be better than Zack Snyder's Shitfest of Steel, but I do want to be a little more positive this week.

I guess part of why I got so negative last week is because I've been having a hard time lately what with becoming a supernatural cannibalistic snow monster and all.  I guess I should expand on that incase you missed my Spotify post.

And maybe a quick recap won't hurt even if you did see it.

A few weeks ago some friends and I took a trip up to Montreal to make a blood sacrifice to Leonard Cohen at his birthplace, like ya do.  We were just innocently driving through Canada singing along to "Suzanne."  I even think the shaman tied up in the trunk hummed along to the chorus.  On second thought, that could have been him reciting the spell that teleported us to the heart of the wilderness without our phones.  You can probably guess what happened next; it's the same thing anyone else would have done.  I ate my friends' flesh and used their pelts for warmth within minutes of being stranded.

As soon as the curse took effect my body transformed as quickly as my mind but much more painfully.  All my fat disappeared and my skin tightened around my bones.  I've been trying for years to lose weight with varying success.  I worked out daily, skipped meals, and ate food I didn't like.  I never would have thought the most effective diet would be another fat person.  They say nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, but turns out they could have both.  They can even eat their cake and I can eat it too.  If I have one gripe with my new bod, it's that I would prefer to be the muscular and hairy wendigo from Marvel comics, but leggars can't be choosers.

Not a typo.

By the time I stumbled back to civilization I was hungry again, which was strange since I had just eaten my friends about fifteen minutes before.  I made my way to the nearest restaurant and asked if they had poutine, as I've always wanted to try it.  Unfortunately the entire staff and all the patrons fled from my gruesome appearance, so I helped myself.  It was pretty good, but not quite as good as the guy I found hiding in the bathroom who had just eaten poutine.  I took his keys and made my way to his car so I could try to go home but whenever I got close to it the hunger overtook me and I went in the other direction.  Apparently after the wendigo curse was first created the shaman behind it realized it would be bad if any of the monsters got loose so he contained them (us) to the Canadian backwoods.  That's fine by me if Tim Hortons customers taste as good the poutine guy.  Also, it's true what they say, the people are so nice here.  Sometimes they apologize to me when I bite into them.

Still, I realize mythical cannibalism isn't for everyone.  If you're still on the fence, I can tell you that I have never been disappointed by people meat.  Since I can eat all I want and never get full or put on any fat I've had a lot of opportunities to experiment with different recipes.  I've tried skin-flapjacks with maple syrup, I've tried nachos con arm-e, I've tried Mark-chops and pork-Chads, and not once have I thought "this human flesh just isn't doing it for me."  Sidenote: since my hunger consumes my every thought I don't even feel any shame about these awful puns.  I'm not asking you to commit to wendigoism right now, I'm just offering you the chance to come up and watch me or someone else work, and see how much fun we're having.  And while you're at it, maybe bring some good old American barbecue sauce with you.  No reason.

White Male Superheroes Who Deserve Less Movies

We all know that Wonder Woman should have had a movie by now.  The list of female and minority superheroes who have been severely underrepresented by the film industry is almost as long as the list of lists of female or minority superheroes who have been severely underrepresented by the film industry.  It should go without saying that promoting equality doesn't mean taking away from the more privileged, only to increase privilege for everyone like Oprah if cars were not-being-systematically-oppressed.  There's no way to trade the Green Hornet movie for a Black Panther, but let's imagine there were.  Let's imagine there's a Twilight Zone episode about a world that is just like ours but with slightly less white guy movies and in their stead are the Captain Marvel and John Stewart Green Lantern and solo Storm movies that have been missing from our world.  The best part about this fantasy land is that we have so many white guy movies that there are a handful of them that are so bad we could cut them loose without a second thought.  Their absences would probably be better than their presence.  These are some of the white male superhero movies that wouldn't be missed by most people, or at least myself and, as long we're imagining, my lovely wife 90's Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Man of Steel

I hate Man of Steel a whole bunch.  I hate it with every fiber of my being.  My personal (and reasonable and correct) feelings aside, most people can agree that it's the least Superman-like movie out of the six Superman movies.  Grim and gritty isn't really the best fit for a character who dresses in bright primary colors and plays fetch the Easter Island head with his super labrador.  If you were going to erase one Superman movie from history, it should probably be the one where the hero who supposedly represents hope and the best parts of humanity snaps a guys neck like he's Steven Seagal.  In the interest of attempting to be objective, I can admit that Man of Steel had some strong points, for instance, it was surprisingly feminist, especially coming from the director behind 300.  Speaking of which, Zack Snyder's experience with sword and sandal flicks and his apparently newfound competency with feminism make him a pretty good choice to run things behind the scenes for a Wonder Woman movie, which would be about a mythic Greek warrior who has no qualms about killing people.  It seems like Snyder will be doing just that in 2017 as the guy in charge of DC's Justice League, and it's possible he will do right by Wonder Woman, but in the better world he could do it without royally crapping all over Superman first.

Amazing Spider-Man

The first two Spider-Man movies directed by Sam Raimi from the early 00's are among the best superhero movies ever and are largely responsible for the abundance of the genre we have now.  The third was not quite as good, but it shouldn't be erased because every trilogy needs an inferior final act.   The Amazing Spider-Man series, on the other hand, is only two movies in and has already reached Spider-Man 3 levels of awfulness.  Marc Webb's first attempt was fine, but unnecessary  considering Raimi's last attempt was released only five years earlier.  Then with this year's Amazing Spider-Man 2 everything fell apart.  The main villain Electro was practically unrecognizable after his transformation, the secondary villain Green Goblin was superfluous and his plotline was rushed and Peter Parker stalked Gwen Stacy who spent the whole movie looking into the camera and lip-synching "Don't Fear the Reaper" while pantomiming a noose around her neck.

If Emma's alternate universe doppelganger could read this

things would get pretty awkward at the 

Brown-Stone-Real-Life-Hermione-Granger-Louis-Dreyfus household.

The biggest problem Webb faced was distancing his movies from Raimi's.  If he had just waited a while, not only would he have time on his side, but he could make a movie about a completely different Spider-Man all together; Miles Morales.  Morales, who is mixed-race, first appeared the year before The Amazing Spider-Man was released.  That is not enough time for a movie studio to reasonably base an entire film franchise on, but three years later Miles Morales is still going strong, much stronger than the public's interest in a Spider-Man franchise that pales in comparison to the one that came less than ten years before it.

The Incredible Hulk

The Incredible Hulk, starring Edward Norton, is by far the least memorable entry in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  Edward Norton was replaced by Mark Ruffalo for The Avengers, making Robert Downey Jr. the only actor to be in both movies, and he was only in Hulk's after credits scene at a time when audiences didn't know to expect an after credits scene in Marvel movies.  It's been six years since Norton played the role and there is no planned standalone sequel, even though one was set up within the movie by implying that Dr. Samuel Sterns would become Hulk villain The Leader when he was infected with Hulk-blood.  Now The Leader is running around leading with no consequences.   All those loose ends would disappear if only it had been a Black Widow movie instead of the Hulk.  Sure, there might be more but different loose ends, but at least we know Scarlett Johansson is in this for the long haul.

Just like her marriage to Ryan Reynolds.

I always liked them together.

What I learned from watching "I Love the 2000's" for two hours

It’s a strange experience to be nostalgic about commercialized nostalgia.  That’s what happened yesterday when I happened upon I Love the 2000’s on VH1.  For most of middle school and the first few years of high school I was fascinated with the I Love… series.  Like many young people struggling to find an identity I thought simple awareness of pop culture would suffice.  For me, I Love… was less about nostalgia and more about building a collection of references to make later on down the road.  Now that I’m a little older, I have more than enough references in my utility belt.  For instance, did you know that Batman* exists?  I was also alive and mostly conscious for the past 14 years, so when I saw that an I Love the 2000’s marathon was on and in its final hours I watched not out of desire to learn, but out of that weird nostalgia, and in the process learned a few things about myself and my generation anyway.

There is still no good name for the previous decade

I am usually the first to defend millennials, but this may be our greatest failure.  We’re nearly halfway through the teens and yet we still have no consensus on what to call the decade that came before them.  What am I to do if a child asks me about my old flip phone?  Call it a relic from “roughly ten years ago?”  “Sit on my knee and I’ll tell you about the strange era known as ‘the first decade of the current millennium?’”  That doesn’t have any of the mystique and flair that was present when I asked about my parents’ vinyl records and they told me about the 80’s.  What am I to do if I want to host a theme party with everyone dressed in Crocs and Hannah Montana* wigs, with Guitar Hero* controllers strapped to their backs?  What do I call that theme?

Michael Ian Black’s career is going really well

Michael Ian Black is a really good comedian.  I didn’t know that at the time when I first started watching I Love… so for a long time it was what I knew him best for.  The first time I saw him out of that context was on a stand-up show, and the only thing I remember from it is that he acknowledged that he was best known for talking about the Rubik’s Cube* on VH1.  In retrospect I can see that the series isn’t very good and Black probably isn’t very proud of his involvement in it, so it was kind of nice in a Good Will Hunting* kind of way to not see him in I Love the 2000’s.  I’m not really sure what he’s up to now besides having faux feuds with people I follow on Twitter, but it seems like it’s going well enough that he doesn’t have to share airtime with the pubic lice that have gained sentience and now control the part of Bret Michaels’ brain* that is responsible for his appearance.

Insert joke about your mom here.

Whatever it is will be better than what

Bret Michaels inserted into your mom.

My poker phase was actually part of a fad

I knew a lot of people played poker, but I thought it was something that had been going on for generations, and I just happened to get into it at a random point in time.  Still, it’s nice to know that I have something in common with Jennifer Tilly*.

Harry Potter may have contributed to Boy Meets World’s longevity

Or perhaps it was the other way around.  All I know is that the two seem to be related: Boy Meets World went off the air just as the Harry Potter franchise was beginning, and they’re both very important to millennials.  They also have some very similar characters.  They both center on a trio of friends made up of a dark haired, middle class protagonist, his best friend who grew up in poverty, and a bushy haired girl with a weird name who was at the top of her class and is passionate about social issues.  They are joined by a wise, grey haired mentor who is in charge of their school, a smug blonde nemesis, a cool teacher who plays father to one of the boys, and the next generation stars in an epilogue that is pretty disappointing.  I’m not the only one who has noticed the parallels, but no one seems to be able to decide how Eric fits into the HP universe.  I don’t know either, but keep an eye out for Will Friedle to be a major player when I compare My Date with the President’s Daughter* to Tommy Boy*.

*It’s good to be the king.

"The Middle" is the New "Breakfast Club"

The Breakfast Club is perhaps the most iconic film about teenage life, and as such it has many imitators.  Movies like The Perks of Being a Wallflower and the documentary American Teen have been called modern versions of the John Hughes classic.  Little did anyone expect that the true heir to The Breakfast Club would come not as a highly buzzed about melodrama, but as a sitcom that no one watches.

Patricia Heaton may narrate and play the lead role in The Middle, but it is usually her young co-stars who steal the show.  Heaton's Frankie Heck is mother to three children: Axl, Sue, and Brick, played by Charlie McDermott, Eden Sher and Atticus Shaffer respectively .  Axl is the oldest child, an athlete and popular student who coasted through his high school education until his recent move to college, similar to Emilio Estevez's Andrew with bits of Molly Ringwald's Claire.  Sue is the middle child, and as such often goes neglected by her family and is all but invisible to her fellow students, much like Ally Sheedy's Allison.  However, Sue is far from the cynical loner that Allison is.  Sue is much more passionate than Allison; she is a dedicated student and eagerly desires to improve her social status, traits she shares with Anthony Michael Hall's Brian.  The youngest Heck child Brick, who is just beginning to enter his teen years, also shares traits with both Allison and Brian.  He is intelligent like Brian, known to constantly have his nose buried in a book.  He is also a social outcast like Allison, even more so than his sister.  While Sue goes unnoticed for what her peers perceive to be mediocrity, Brick is looked down on for his quirks.  He whispers to himself and woops for no known reason.  The only archetype seen in the Club who doesn't make an appearance in The Middle is the tortured rebel, John, who was played by Judd Nelson, probably because he's in prison.

I don't like it anymore than you do, but let's give credit where credit is due.

He called his shot and Bendet got the horns.

The appeal of The Breakfast Club isn't just the familiar traits of the characters, but their complexity, and the sincerity of the actors who portrayed them.  The world of The Middle is more comedically heightened than The Breakfast Club, and as such the characters are more caricatured.  Nevertheless, they retain some of that same complexity and even more of the sincerity.  As exaggerated and cartoonish as things like Sue's happy dance may be, her utter joy at finally succeeding after countless failures rings true to life in a different but equally affecting way than anything in The Breakfast Club.

She pulled the elephant's trunk and the light came on.

The biggest difference between The Middle and The Breakfast Club is that in the former the parents receive just as much screentime as their children, if not more.  This only serves to further one of The Breakfast Club's central themes; that all people, regardless of any and all differences, should be seen as fully human.  While it is normal for teenagers to see their parents as foes and that is likely one of the reasons for The Breakfast Club's longevity, the reality is that more often than not parents have their children's best interests at heart.  The Middle has its share of generational battles as well, but the view points of both sides are shown with near equal regard.

Next year will mark the 30th anniversary of The Breakfast Club touching the hearts and minds of the young and the young at mind.  The Middle is entering its sixth season even though, as previously mentioned, no one seems to actually watch it.

Why don't we give another Emmy to Jim Parsons?  He's earned it.

The Relatability of Men from Space as Opposed to Those Who Dress as Bats

As two of, if not “the two,” most popular superheroes Batman and Superman are often pitted against each other.  In fact, two years from now a light-hearted feel-good movie will be released based on that very concept.  When fans discuss the faults and virtues of these two titans there is one trait that is usually at the center of the conversation: relatability.  Generally speaking, Batman is seen as more relatable because he is just an ordinary human struggling to make his way in the world with no super powers to help him while Superman freeze breaths and super speeds his way through life with no obstacles in his way.  For some reason this viewpoint never really made sense to me.

I have watched a few documentaries about superheroes and had several conversations about them, but I have never heard the idea of Batman's relatability go any deeper than the fact that he is not an extraterrestrial.  I don’t think I have ever met anyone who has anything in common with Batman.  I’ve known people who have two jobs, but neither of those jobs has ever been billionaire playboy or masked vigilante.  On the other hand, I have met many journalists, even some outside of the four years I spent studying journalism in college.  It may not be the most normal job in the world but I’m certain that journalists are much more common than billionaires.  Take the cast of NewsRadio for instance. 

That’s one news director, one news producer, one researcher, two anchors, one secretary, one handyman, and one billionaire.  That adds up to a ratio of 5 journalism professionals to one billionaire, and if sitcoms aren't an accurate representation of the American public I don't know what is.

What’s more, Clark Kent’s job at the Daily Planet, like many work environments, is where he meets nearly everyone in his social circle, all of whom he has pretty normal relationships with.  It’s where he meets his best friend Jimmy Olsen, who is fun to pal around with but doesn't expect any kind of emotional commitment.  His boss, Perry White, is demanding but respected by most of his staff.   Bruce Wayne met most of his closest friends by either adopting them or being adopted by them, and the closest thing he has to a boss is the incorporeal concept of justice.

Bruce Wayne has never had a healthy romantic relationship in his life.  His most consistent paramour is a criminal, the antithesis of everything he believes in.  Clark Kent has had two love interests in 75 years, Lana Lang and Lois Lane, neither of which is included in the “Villains” section at the bottom of his Wikipedia page.  Lana is his high school sweetheart until the two split up because their lives are going in different directions.  Clark goes on to marry Lois, and the two love and support each other until reboot do them part.

There are all kinds of family structures in the world, but I think it’s safe to say that butler, Batman, and a handful of wards is pretty out there.  The Kents aren't exactly a nuclear family either, but Clark usually has at least one parent and a cousin.  His father is terse but loving and his mother is concerned about the amount of meat on his bones, which is never enough.  If anyone in the Kent house ever called anyone else master they were probably mocking the extravagant life style that they couldn't even imagine, or maybe there was an issue from Krypto's point of view.

Wanna see me catch my tail?  Wanna see me 

do it a... wait a minute, I got this.  I swear, I can do this.

At this point I've nearly convinced myself that Superman is too normal.  Superman isn't normal, though.  He is literally inhuman, but in some ways he is almost too human.  He wants to fit in, but he doesn't want to lose sight of what makes him unique.  Sometimes he wears his differentness on the outside, in bright primary colors and other times he hides it under a tie and collar.  Sometimes he wants to be alone but it doesn't mean he loves his family and friends any less.  He loves them with all his heart and desperately wants to be loved in return, but is afraid to show his true self to anyone but a select few who he holds closest.  The words don't always come easy, whether he's writing a story or flirting with Lois.  There's no guidebook to being both the most powerful person on Earth and the weird guy at the office.  Superman is just doing the best he can.  A lot of that applies to Batman as well, and maybe there are a lot of people who relate to him, but it probably isn't just because he lacks the ability to shoot fire from his eyes.

Two Things

Just a few moments ago, from the time that I write this, I was struggling to think what it would be about.  Once again the made-up deadline for the blog no one reads was fast approaching.  I racked my brain to think of a topic.  In honor of Saturday Night Live's season premiere tomorrow I considered doing "Three Things That Happen at Night," or "Three Things That are Made of Paper" for National Comic Book Day yesterday.  For a while the front runner was "Three Things That I Have Done in My Life That Contribute Absolutely Nothing to Humanity," but none of these seemed right.  I realized that all of them had something in common; they were all lists of three things.  I have written many lists of three things between my time at my college newspaper and this blog, but even my biggest fans (yes, even you Miranda, and no one else) may not realize that early in my career I wrote a list of four things.  It was a list of the greatest bromances of all time.  It may have been a regrettable topic, but I long for that experimental spirit that I had in my youth; the kind of creativity that leads to four things instead of three.  Of course, I couldn't just replicate my innovative "four things" structure.  Then it hit me: two things.  I wrote down many of the things around me on scraps of paper and selected two; not three, or even four, but two, of them at random out of a hat, and have compiled a list of those two things here.

Fortunately, one of the things was not Taiwan

• Poker Kit

I got this as a gift from my parents when I was in high school, probably for Christmas.  They gave it to me because I went through a phase when I was really into poker; they didn't randomly encourage me to gamble, which I never did anyway.  I just don't have the confidence for gambling.  Even now, after years of practice, and with the ability to do this:

It's even more impressive if you know that thin, pale fingers and Shakira are only a hindrance.

I still wouldn't put up any amount of real money.  I've played a lot of games with the chips in the kit and given them imaginary values, but I would never play if at the end of the game I would be expected to cash them in.  The kit came with two decks of cards but I don't remember what happened to the other one.  It also came with dice but I don't know what those are for.  Did I mention that I don't gamble?

• Things That Hang From Graduation Cap

I have graduated from high school and college.  Now I am writing a blog post about two things that is going to turn the entire Internet on its freaking head!  The system works!  My research shows that the things that hang from graduation caps are called tassels.  I definitely would have known that if someone said it or something but it slipped my mind and I didn't feel like looking it up before I wrote it down.  It was a very informal process, I didn't know you were going to get so judgey.  Yeesh.  Its not like I majored in remembering things that won't matter after graduation.  I got tired of that during high school.  After both graduations I didn't know what to do with the tassels so I hung them from my ceiling fan.  I had a whole thing planned about how I forgot to bring my tassel to my college graduation and my brother had to go get it but I'm not even going to bother now.  Anyway, the tassels count as one thing so that's two things.  Also, I forgive you.

The Art of the Unbalanced Story

I've read my fair share of movie reviews and I've written a few as well.  One word that I've come across often in these reviews is "unbalanced"; it is usually negative and accompanied by a suggestion that it feels like two different movies instead of one.  Most of the time this lack of balance is caused by bad writing, but sometimes it's done intentionally, or at least occurs out of a happy accident.  It can still be off putting if you're not in on it, but if you can see why the story tellers would want to tell two different stories it can give a new appreciation for the movie or TV show.  For instance:

• Funny People

Funny People is about Adam Sandler playing a comedy legend turned hack and total jerk, so basically he's playing himself.  Judd Apatow directed the movie because he's best equipped to keep Sandler from realizing it and getting his feelings hurt.  There are certain scenes where you can almost hear Apatow saying "What? No!  You're nothing like this George Simmons character.  Hey, you should make out with my wife some more.  You wanna do that?"  The main difference between Adam and George is that George has cancer.  The first scene of the movie is George receiving his diagnosis.  Soon after that the focus shifts to the struggling young comic Ira, played by Seth Rogen.  George takes Ira under his wing and hires him to write some jokes and help him with other miscellanea.  We still see plenty of George as he struggles with his disease, but mostly this movie is about Ira's complicated relationship with his idol and his personal problems with his roommates and his crush on the girl down the hall.  George even takes an interest in Ira's life and helps him out.  Then George's cancer goes into remission.  Now that his life isn't in immediate danger George reverts to his selfish ways.  The movie is now about George reconnecting with his old flame Laura, played by Leslie Mann, who is married with two children.  George and Ira leave L.A. altogether to visit with Laura and her family in the suburbs.  George's shameless attempts to rekindle his relationship with Laura at the risk of breaking up her family ultimately drives George and Ira apart.  When the two return to L.A. Ira goes back to work at a sub shop and George continues his lonely and spiteful life.  Finally George visits Ira at the sub shop to give him some jokes George wrote for him.  It is George's first true act of selflessness in the film, and the final shot is George and Ira sitting together on equal footing.

• Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

It seems that with all the anticipation for Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. last year many people forgot a very important of rule of television: If there's a Whedon involved the show will probably need a season, give or take, before it finds its footing.  (The obvious exception being Firefly, which foresaw its untimely demise and went out in a blaze of glory.)  In the case of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. the first fifteen or sixteen episodes were slow and at times boring because it wasn't the show it was always meant to be yet.  What seemed like a typical "monster of the week" paranormal investigation series was actually just showrunners Maurissa Tancharoen and Jed Whedon biding time until the events of Captain America: The Winter Soldier and AoS episode "Turn Turn Turn" could reveal that S.H.I.E.L.D. had been infiltrated by evil Hydra agents for years, including a trusted member of the team.  In the span of one episode and a movie AoS stopped being an X-Files clone and became a 60's spy vs. spy throwback action comedy and then some.  Everything before that was just world and character building to raise the stakes for the surprise unmasking. Perhaps those early episodes could have been handled better, but they can be forgiven considering the excellence of the last six episodes.

• Full Metal Jacket

Stanley Kubrick is largely agreed to be one of the greatest directors of all time.  There are plenty of people far more qualified than I to wax on about the brilliance of films like 2001: A Space Odyssey, A Clockwork Orange, The Shining, etc.  Instead this will be about one of his more mildly received movies.  The first half of Full Metal Jacket is iconic, particularly thanks to the performance of R. Lee Ermey's as drill instructor Sergeant Hartman.  It's also visually stunning, which is par for Kubrick, who is famous for his use of symmetry and other patterns.  By making a movie about Marine Corps boot camp Kubrick finally got to live his dream of making patterns out of people.  Eventually, Hartman's archaic brand of discipline drives Private Lawrence (Vincent D'Onofrio) too far.  He kills the Sergeant then himself as Matthew Modine's Private Davis watches.  Immediately after that scene there's a jump in time and this movie follows Davis, who is a sergeant and combat correspondent in  Vietnam.  The rest of the movie is almost unrecognizable from the first half.  The order and discipline of boot camp and Kubrick's signature patterns have vanished, to be replaced entirely by the chaos of war.

This

becomes this.

The stark contrast of the two halves of the movie has been widely criticized even though dichotomy is a major theme, especially in the second half.  There is quite a bit of discussion in the film about the disparity between the words "Born to Kill" on Davis' helmet and the peace medallion pinned on his uniform.  Davis even explicitly explains that it is a shout out to Jung's philosophy of the duality of man.  Regardless, the first half of Full Metal Jacket is far more famous than the second, perhaps because most people check out before they get to the nitty gritty Jungian philosophy part of the war movie.

Hambone: A Somewhat Imagined Account of Link Wray's Influence

Our story begins in the swamp woods of North Carolina, a town called Dunn, in 1937.  In true small town fashion our hero, a boy by the name of Frederick Lincoln Wray, is sitting on his front porch.  He is toying with a guitar that his brother received for his last birthday when he is approached by a mysterious figure named Hambone.  Hambone works for the traveling circus that has just come to Dunn and taken root temporarily across the street from the Wray home.  The elderly black man sees young Frederick with his guitar and approaches him.  He asks to borrow the instrument for a moment or two and Frederick obliges.  Hambone tunes the guitar before taking a bottle neck from his pocket, putting it on the neck of the guitar and playing a blues song.  As Hambone slides the glass along the strings, channeling the unimaginable pain and turmoil of his long life, Frederick Lincoln ceases to exist, and in his place is Link Wray, The Rumble Man.  Hambone planted the seed of music in Link, and Link paid if forward with his song “Rumble”.  Brian Eno said that all of the few people who bought The Velvet Underground’s debut album started bands.  One could similarly say of Link Wray that out of everyone who heard Rumble, a few of them started the greatest bands of all time.

• Pete Townshend

When Pete Townshend first hears “Rumble” in the late 50’s he feels “uneasy… yet very excited.”  He is confused by the emotions the song stirs in him.  He has never before experienced such wildly opposing ideas, he has never heard something so ugly yet beautiful, gentle but violent.  He doesn’t understand what Link has done, but he knows he has to try it for himself.  He has a guitar that his grandmother gave to him for Christmas in 1956, but he never had much interest in the Spanish instrument that looks nothing like the slick electric guitar that Chuck Berry uses.  Once Pete hears “Rumble” he gives it another shot.  It isn’t perfect but it works, and with some help from his saxophonist father he learns to play a couple of tunes.  A few years later he forms The Who with Roger Daltrey, John Entwistle, and fellow Link Wray fanatic Keith Moon, who writes a song called “Wasp Man” as a tribute to Link.

• Jimmy Page

In 1956 a twelve year old Jimmy Page took his first guitar lesson.  He quickly abandoned them, preferring instead to teach himself.  He spent many days over the next two years listening to music at the record store before going home to attempt to duplicate the guitar part on his own.  In 1958 one of those records was “Rumble.”  Fifty years later, after joining The Yardbirds and forming Led Zeppelin, Page remembers the influence “Rumble” had on him.  Not just the technical aspect of its innovative use of the power chord and vibrato, but more importantly, its pure “profound attitude.”  Fifty years later Jimmy Page puts the needle down on “Rumble” and plays an air guitar just as countless Led Zeppelin fans have done to “Stairway to Heaven” in the past four decades.

• Iggy Pop

A young man named Iggy is enrolled in the University of Michigan in the mid 60’s.   Iggy is much like his fellow students, stressing over their grades, desperately struggling to get through the next test, then the next, reaching for the diploma in the distance.  One day in the student union someone puts on a record in hopes of calming her nerves.  The sound of “Rumble” reaches Iggy this day, and he becomes aware.  He realizes that he is not where he belongs, he is not living the life he is meant to live.  His mind and spirit leave the school in this moment, and soon after his body follows suit.  Iggy moves to Chicago, where he forms a band called the Psychedelic Stooges, quickly becoming Iggy and the Stooges.

American Folklore and Superheroes

Better people than I have made the connection between superheroes and mythology.  Superman is famously an analogy for Judeo-Christian figures Moses and Jesus.  There are also characters like Thor and Hercules, who are taken straight from Norse and Greek mythology respectively, retaining their basic characteristics and backstories mostly as is because Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were in a bit of a creative slump I guess.  No disrespect, everyone has bad days; it’s nothing to be ashamed of.  Strangely, superheroes are an almost uniquely American concept.  The most famous non-American superhero created by non-American people is John Constantine and he’s just a normal guy who does magic stuff sometimes.  Despite America’s relative youth as a nation it has managed to build up a handful of its own legends, so it’s fitting that they should have an impact on superhero stories.

•  Captain America is Rip Van Winkle
• It’s fitting again, that the most American superhero imaginable has ties to a classic American tale.  In Washington Irving’s 1819 short story the titular Rip Van Winkle goes out into the woods to hide from his nagging wife, where he gets drunk and falls asleep, you know, like heroes do.  He stays asleep long enough for the American Revolution to take place.  When he wakes up he is confused by the world around him.  He finds that his wife is dead, along with his friends who have fallen in combat, and his children have grown up without him.  Similarly, Cap plunged into the icy waters of the North Atlantic while saving hundreds of lives from Nazi bombs, you know, like lazy bums do.  He’s cryogenically frozen for years, missing out on the fifties and some other stuff, I guess; Marvel’s rolling timeline confuses me.  When Cap is unfrozen he is confused by the world around him.  He finds that his old Army buddies and loved ones are either dead or incredibly old.  Did I mention the part where Rip Van Winkle’s best friend is a brainwashed assassin with a robot arm?  I guess that doesn’t have anything to do with Captain America though.
• Hawkgirl is Evangeline
• I’ll confess, I’d never heard of Evangeline, A Tale of Acadie before I did research for this, but I saw it with other American folklore figures on Wikipedia and it felt familiar.  The poem, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet and great name haver, is about Evangeline, who is separated from her paramour, Gabriel, in the Expulsion of the Acadians.  She spends the rest of her life searching America for Gabriel, sometimes coming near him without realizing it.  It’s like a Pink Panther cartoon if it were a sad love story, which it kind of is when you think about it.  Eventually, Evangeline settles in Philadelphia where she tends to the sick and poor.  There she finds Gabriel, who is diseased, and dies in her arms.  It reminded me of Hawkgirl and Hawkman.  In certain versions of their origin they are lovers who are cursed to be reborn then watch each other die over and over again.  Both stories are tragic romances about a couple who are destined to come together and then be separated again and again.
• Steel is John Henry
• The connection between Steel and John Henry is about as subtle as a steel nail driven through Slim Shady’s eyelid.  Steel’s real name is John Henry Irons.  John Henry used a hammer to drive steel into rock; Steel uses a hammer to fight bad guys.  John Henry died in a legendary battle of man versus machine when a steam powered hammer threatened his job; Steel’s job was to make machines that killed people before he faked his own death and became a Superman stand-in after the Man of Steel died-ish while fighting Doomsday.  John Henry is the basis of a pretty good Johnny Cash song and Steel is the basis of a really bad Shaquille O’Neil movie.  They’d be the same basic person if it weren’t ridiculous to base an engineer on a man who died fighting a machine.

The Psychological Turmoil of Liking the Star Wars Prequels

“Millennial” is a decent name for a generation; not great, but ok as far as words that were probably made up in a thinkpiece go. If I were to suggest another option I might go with “The Allowed to Like the Star Wars Prequels Generation.” I was seven years old when The Phantom Menace was released. If you can’t understand why a seven year old would be fascinated by people with lightsabers, regardless of plot, then you might not like Star Wars at all.

Of course, it wasn’t just the lightsabers. I was humbled by Qui-Gon Jinn’s aura of wisdom. I was amazed by the Gungan’s underwater city. I was thrilled by the podrace. I laughed at the jokes. I laughed at Jar Jar. Most importantly, I related to Anakin like a beast. I saw myself in Anakin and dreamed of participating in his adventures just like I was supposed to. I felt the same way about Anakin that teenagers were supposed to feel about his son 22 years earlier. I was seven and he was nine. He didn’t have a father or freedom and I didn’t have magic superpowers. Total twinsies. I even looked like him. I had the same basic bowl cut and blonde hair.

But that’s part of the problem, isn’t it? Fans of the original trilogy don’t want to see Darth Vader, the face of evil, as a cherubic messiah child. If they have to see him as a child, they’d at least prefer he be a creepy Omen child. At least, that’s what Patton Oswalt says.

Patton sounds pretty ticked off there. The prequels must have been pretty traumatic for him. Maybe as traumatic as watching a character he strongly identified with as a seven year old grow up to slaughter children, because that’s what I did. Over the course of six years I watched a character that was specifically designed to appeal to my age group, and me especially, go from bright eyed and spunky to angry eyed and homicidal. Imagine if Calvin (best known for his work with partner Hobbes) suddenly started blowing up planets full of people. Not as Spaceman Spiff, but as Calvin. Suppose he were to force choke a pregnant Susie Derkins.

As far as I can tell, the only thing that saved me from becoming part of a generation of mass murderers was the heartsick emo Anakin of The Clone Wars acting as a buffer between the “aw shucks” Phantom Menace Anakin and the “murder murder murder” Revenge of the Sith Anakin. As a ten year old, the only connections I had with Clone Wars Anakin were an appreciation for his sick rat tail and a shared dislike of sand. (You ever get that stuff in your swim trunks? It’s very uncomfortable.) If Hayden Christensen had been a more likable actor, who knows what kind of psychological issues I could’ve had?

The weird thing is, I’m aware of all of this, and yet I still can’t hate the prequels. Obviously, I can see how the original trilogy is superior. The triumph of a crew of misfits is much more fun than the fiery fall of a civilization. When I watch A New Hope I can imagine the kind of awe it must have inspired in theaters, but I have my own awe. I can feel my eyes widening now, just thinking about those doors opening, revealing Darth Maul’s dual bladed lightsaber. I remember my shock when Padme revealed herself as the true queen and my sadness at the death of Qui-Gon Jinn. My awe is just tainted by a bit of rage and mass murder. Also, some pretty remarkable plot and dialogue problems, but mostly rage and mass murder.