I couldn't wait to get home from a busy day at work. I left early, picked up food from our favorite Chinese place, and rushed through the door. I was greeted by a strange woman wearing his hockey jersey. I stared at her in confusion until Ottawa walked out. I asked him what was going on.
"I can explain," Ottawa said.
He didn't have to. I put it together. I said "I have to go," and backed out. I went to my best friend Michelle's place. She would know just what to say; she knows more about love than anyone I know. Everyone said it would never work out between her and Chairack, that a chair and a person could never be together, but she didn't let that stand between her and her man. Her human man named Chairack.
"Michelle, I need to talk to you. Ottawa cheated on me."
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| Literally the first result when I Google Image searched "chair," so this is Michelle now. |
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| Yeah, the physical embodiment of the city of Ottawa can speak but a chair who is in a relationship with a human being cannot. Obviously. I don't see what the problem is here. |
"A blind date? Already? I don't know."
"OK, tell me about this friend of Chairack's. I'm not making any promises; I'm just agreeing to listen as you tell me about him. Mostly because I know you'll describe him so eloquently and I enjoy your accent."
"So he lives in the woods and eats only human flesh? There's a "but" coming, isn't there? What's wrong with him?"
"Oh, no, I'm allergic dogs, not cats. Fine, I'll meet him."
I agreed to meet this wendigo Brian, but I didn't have to like him, and he didn't make it easy. He ticked me off as soon as he got to the restaurant.
"Hi, you must be Beyonce," he said. "I'm new to Ottawa, so it's nice to meet a local. How do you like it?"
"Unbelievable. I just got out of a relationship and you immediately throw it in my face."
"You're right. I'm sorry," he said.
"It's fine. Do you know what you want to eat?"
"I don't know. I hope they have person here," he said, scanning the menu. "I don't see it. I'll just watch you eat and I'll have a hobo later."
"I'm not really comfortable with you watching me eat, and it's rude for you to assume I would be" I said.
"Oh gosh, I just keep putting my foot in my mouth. Can we start over?"
"Sure."
I love this city. This Canadian city I'm in is like a person I talk to and has an active part in my life, like a character in a movie. You're probably thinking...
"Whoa. I think you went back a little too far," he said.
"And now you're interrupting me. You are the rudest wendigo I have ever met," I said.
"I'm sorry. Why don't you just tell me what it's like being the president of Canada?"
"It was great until recently. I can't stop running into my ex. For the first time I wish I could get away from Canada but my term doesn't end for another 75 years and 362 days. The only way I can get out is if we go to war, then the highest ranking military leader will take over."
"Why don't you start a war?" He asked earnestly. We were starting to click. I thought he might not be too bad.
"Canada has been at war for the past five centuries. If I start another one after I promised I wouldn't in my campaign the people will crucify me. But enough about me. What's it like being a Wendigo?"
"It's great. I've really enjoyed it. It's totally changed the way I see the world. Like, before I was kind of lukewarm on the television program Friends but now I love it just by imagining what Chandler's thigh tastes like."
"You monster! Lukewarm on the television program Friends? How could you?" I stood up without even realizing I was doing it. Then I punched him the face at least a dozen times without even realizing I was doing it. Then I kneecapped a passing waiter, broke his leg, pulled out the bone and used it to stab Brian in the neck. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost it like that. Will you excuse me? I need to powder my nose."
"Here, use my cocaine," he offered. One minute he was a total jerk and the next he was the sweetest guy. I was so confused. I took him up on his offer since I was a little low on my own cocaine and went to the restroom. After a good snort I FaceTimed with Michelle.
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| There are universes where I am great at Photoshop. This is not one of them. |
With Michelle's help I knew just what to do. I went back to the table and said "Here, drink this."
"Sure," he said, taking the vial and drinking it in one gulp.
"What were you saying about Friends?" I asked.
"Oh, right. Could Chandler be any funnier? Huh. That's weird. I don't have any craving for Meatthew Perry anymore. I don't even like that pun. I kind of want a burger. Like, a cow burger."
"Oh no." I said. I felt awful. "That potion made you not an awful monster but it also took away the curse that made you crave human flesh. I'm sorry, I know how important it was to you."
"It's fine. These things happen," he said. He's so understanding. Now. "So what next?"
"Well, I've turned you into my ideal mate so I guess we live... Wait, take off those glasses. Great, now your Pygmalion-eque rebirth is complete and we can live happily ever after until the sequel."
"Cool," he said.
"Eh."
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